title: One wife, Two wife, Three wife, Four.
The much debated, much misunderstood, much hated 4 wives issue.
Let’s start with the ayah (verse of the Qur’an) that gives muslim men the right to marry up to 4 women. We find it in the 4th Surah/Chapter and it is the 3rd Ayah/Verse:
“And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course. “
This verse can be explained further by the following:
Hadith (saying of the Prophet peace be upon him) Sahih al Bukhari 3:44:674
Explanation (Tafsir) of the Verse 4:3 from Tafsir Ibn Kathir
So what’s it like in the real world today?
Pre-Nuptial Agreement
Some women insist on an agreement before marriage with the condition that the groom cannot marry a second wife and if he does that it is grounds for immediate divorce.
Since i’m not a Scholar, I can’t say for sure whether this is ok. From what i’ve read, it’s not. An agreement is fine, that condition is not and this is not a practice of the muslim women before modern times.
It’s one thing to have ‘the talk’ with your husband about his future plans for plural wives, but it’s another thing to start out a marriage talking about divorce based on something you know your husband has been given the right -by Allah no less- to do in your religion.
The talk
My husband and I had a talk before marriage. It was about his intentions, what he wanted with his life as far as wives and family and about my feelings and how I didn’t think I could cope with a second wife. There was a half hearted “You’re not allowed” and a “I don’t really agree with that anyway” from him. We both left that conversation knowing how each other felt, but also knowing that he does have that right if he is in the position in the future that he should consider it and that I would not forbid him that right.
I believe in Islam even when it hurts my feelings. It breaks my heart to imagine my husband having another woman betrothed to him but I don’t believe I have the right to remove a right from my husband that Allah has given to him. There is wisdom behind this right, and who am I to question the wisdom of Allah?
Have a talk with your husband-to-be about his feelings and your feelings towards this issue, research the issue and the rulings behind it and have an educated opinion before you go into the conversation.
Permission
There is much talk about a man asking for permission. Does he, or does he not have to ask for permission?
According to my research, there is nothing to suggest he needs your permission to marry another wife.
As with any major life and family changing decision, manners suggest a man should discuss this with his wife (wives) before going forward with a second (or third or fourth) marriage, and do his utmost, even involving a mediator if necessary, to sort out any issues that arise.
Jealousy
Women are emotional beings, it is not an easy pill to swallow, the thought of your husband with another woman. We are taught that monogamy is the only acceptable way and we believe monogamy is the only way for us.
We have a very possessive attitude towards our husbands that is perhaps not healthy. I am as guilty of this as anyone. Generations ago men traveled for months at a time, even years, to trade and go to war, women were accustomed to being without their husbands for periods of time, perhaps they couldn’t be as emotionally dependent on their husbands as we have become and so having a co-wife was not as devastating to them as it is to us.
Many women feel as though they are not good enough, that it was something they did wrong that made their husband choose this. That this new woman is more of a mistress and how dare she marry their husband, they may even feel cheated on. I think these are feelings and insecurities that husbands need to take very seriously and address with their wives when making such a life changing decision. The first wives need to know that it is not a fault of theirs that has pushed their husband to this and that they are just as important and cared about as they were before the new wife joined the family.
Deceit
Then there are the men who do it wrong.
I’m one to make excuses for people. There are reasons I can find that a man may marry a second wife and even have a family with her without the first wife knowing. Perhaps he feels a second family is important to him but does not want to compromise the relationships of the first family, perhaps he does not want to hurt his wife and wants to spare her the feelings I described above.
But there are a great many men who go as far as to lie to and deceive the first wife and even the second/third/fourth to prevent them finding out about his double life. I’ve known more than one woman whose husband has done this, i’ve known first wives and second wives who didn’t know about each other until later.
To the brothers who are doing it for the excuses I gave above. Don’t do it. It is very likely to come out in the open in the future, and this will only amplify any hurt that may have been felt had you done this out in the open from the start. Take this process slowly, be gentle with your first wife, she is going through a very confusing time, bring in a mediator if you can to help counsel you both through this, reassure her, take your time, research, pray, do it right.
To the brothers who go as far as to lie and deceive their wives, I give you this hadith:
The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked, ‘Can a believer be a coward?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He was asked, ‘Can a believer be a miser?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’ He was asked, ‘Can a believer be a liar?’ He said, ‘No.’
The bottom line
Polygamy is a right given to Muslim men (yes, even your husband) by Allah. There are requirements and restrictions on this right, but it is a right none the less.
It is up to us as muslim women to come to terms with that part of our religion and to stop interpreting this right our own way to comfort ourselves and those who question us on it. It is not up to us to deny our men a right Allah has given them and it is not up to us to question the wisdom of Allah and the perfection of the Qur’an. We are -in general- not scholars to go around giving tafsir (explanations) of any part of the Qur’an, much less such a controversial part.
What can we do? Educate ourselves. Read, read, read and make sure you are reading from authentic sources. The more you educate yourself, in this and in all of Islam, the more you understand and come to a place of acceptance of the things you find difficult. Islam is complete submission to the will of Allah, the more you submit, the less worldly things like this will affect your spirit. Islam is easy, and clear, there is a way to understand even the parts you have difficulty with if you take the time.
I can’t tell you how to get through your emotions if you are faced with your husband marrying a second wife, I have not been in the situation myself. But my advice is to pray a lot and never act on emotion alone, remember that divorce is the most hated of permissible things to Allah.
This, from a very jealous wife.
Edit Please read the ongoing discussion in the comments.
Comments
14 Responses to “One wife, Two wife, Three wife, Four.”
Let us know what you think of this article.
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Posted by Emma Apple
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Posted on
Nov 29, 2009Rate
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Sonia
8:27 am
Assalam alaikum,
Wonderful post sis!
UmmRania
9:59 am
Assalamu Alaikum
Very good, I agree with you completely. May Allah bless us all with loving marriages based on Islam.
Amira
6:38 pm
Salaam'alaikum,
It's not in our contract but after my husband and me got married, I told him I don't want him to marry another woman. He agreed because he cares about my feelings. Plus, I'm enough for him :) Good article sis.
UmmIn
8:54 pm
asslam alaikum
I agree with you however I do feel very strong resentment towards those who do it with deceit. A marriage is based on trust, and if you cannot trust your husband then where is that marriage going?
Umm Hend
10:12 pm
Wa alekom asalam sis UmmIn! Jazaki Allahu khairun for all your comments mashaAllah (and I got your emails about MO, will reply soon inshaAllah!)
I totally agree with you, I am very anti doing it deceitfully and firmly believe that is NOT how it was meant to be, there is no place for lies in a family in Islam and it weakens the entire foundation of the family to bring that into it, in my understanding. The reason my article didn't express my harsher views in this is because those are so often, so, so often expressed with regard to this issue and I wanted to offer a softer, less emotionally driver voice to the debate inshaAllah.
I. Janette Grant
11:21 am
Alhamdulilah, awesome post, sister
amina
1:00 am
Asalamu aliakum,
MashaAllah, this was a good read. Baraka Allah feeki.
M
4:08 pm
I agree. This right is indeed given to men, for certain reasons (e.g. when more women are widowed etc, instead of struggling with being a single parent…etc) but thinking that one can get away with exploiting these rights, one is only fooling himself.
S
6:29 pm
Assalam alaykum
I’m not sure why we choose to talk about this matter in terms of ‘rights.’ It is a practice that can become ruined if set in the context of ‘rights.’ If any rights are being talked about, we should focus on the right of the woman, in Islam, to live a life of dignity and respect and love and protection. This is why the Verses about marrying more than one wife come immediately following the Verses about Orphan women – and it is clear that they are to be looked after, and can be a second wife to a man, in order that these women gain the protection and honor of a family, and are not exploited.
But for a man to talk about the principle of taking a second wife as a RIGHT just shows that he is looking at it wrongly. It is more of a burden and a responsibility and a TRUST in front of Allah, for we know from Sayyidna Muhammad sal Allahu alayhi wasalam that a man who has more than one wife and does not treat them equally, comes in front of Allah on the Day of Judgement with a face that cannot look straight ahead, but is askew. May Allah protect us all.
If a man wants to take on this extra responsibility, may Allah help him and may he have taqwa.
It is like doing an extra act of Ibadeh – and one has to know oneself and one’s capacity.
Kind of like: i promise I will give $100 in Sadaqah to this person, or this school, or this masjid, every month, all my life. Would we say about this: yeah, it’s your ‘right’? More like – hey, if you can manage it, mashaAllah. And if you fear not being able to be up to it, or be true to it, fear Allah and do what is asked of you and do the basic, just do it right.
Having a wife is not to be seen as just fun times good times and I have a right to as much of that (x4) as i like…it should be talked about and understood with a lot more spirituality and taqwa. It is not like having a right to more than one car or more than one house.
May Allah guide us all.
Just to reiterate how much of a challenge and responsibility it is: a lot of men don’t realize you cannot house the two wives in the same house – let alone the same apartment as some men do! If the one wife hears so much as the creak of a bed, while the husband is having marital relations with the other, that relation going on in that moment is considered ‘zina’ (adultery) – such is Allah’s Care for the feelings of all His Servants; a woman is not expected by Allah to accept the kind of things many men expect her to – as they assume all these things to be ‘rights.’
I also know from Maliki scholars that a wife is allowed divorce if her husband wants to marry a second woman. If the first wife knows she cannot maintain her deen and goodness in such a situation, she has the right to be released from it.
Emma Apple
1:31 pm
You mention some excellent points, thank you. Nothing I wrote (or believe about this) disagreed with anything you replied here and this post was directed at sisters who can’t get past this aspect of our deen, that men are able to marry more than one woman and the hysteria that often surrounds this fact of our deen. Able, they have the right to in that sense, she doesn’t have to like it, she can divorce if she can bear it and no doubt it’s not a perk for men but a burden he chooses to bear (and that’s a whole other post re. men who treat it as a perk), but it is a right in a sense, we can’t make it haram for our husbands if they choose to do this in the correct way for the correct reasons.
Roo
2:31 am
I completely agree with S. It is a grand responsebility to have more than 1. wife. Furthermore i think it is very heathy for the islamic debateculture, that we do not always talk about mens right, but indeed also talk about all the rights we women are blessed with my our beautifull Islam.
There is no doubt that men are able to marry more than one woman according to our deen, but i really think that it is of much importance to underline the great responsebility it is to have more than one wife when such a subject is reflected upon.
I am new at this site, and i am looking forward to having great and enlightning discussion with all of you. Exuse my english, if you come upon spelling errors :-)
Ramadan Mubarak by the way.
Emma Apple
9:22 am
Roo, salam and welcome! If you read my 2 comments above I do mention why I spoke of this as a right (as in, Allah has made it Halal, not as in a right that should be exercised freely without consequence or great, great responsibility) and why I am sharing a more level and relaxed opinion in this article. I will write another post about the great responsibility, but for this article, I was addressing the hysteria around this thing that Allah has made Halal. Ramadan Mubarak to you also.
Aisha
3:17 pm
bismillah masha’Allah, I loved every word of this article, and the replies. Our Imam, at the masjid my husband and I attend, has 4 wives and our community has grown with each new addition and the experience has enriched all of us, masha’Allah, their family can fill the masjid all by themselves! I guess five years ago he had something like 27 children and no one can count the number now, but we all know them at first sight – they all look like our sheikh, masha’Allah. A few weeks ago my husband asked one of the young daughters, about 9 or 10, if she is sister Sakkina’s daughter, or sister Farida – she said to him with a bright smile, “I am sister Sakkina’s daughter”, then she paused for just a split second and continued, “I am also sister Farida’s daughter!” It is a beautiful thing to experience the love of such a huge family, I feel so honored, like I have had the opportunity to experience the love of our Prophet’s beautiful big family – peace and blessings be upon them all!
Emma Apple
6:18 pm
MashaAllah amazing!