As a special feature for Autism Awareness Month (April) and as a part of Muslimas Oasis’ Blue Hijab Day (which is today, April 2nd) initiative I’ve done an interview with Umm and Abu Sabah, authors of Umm Sabah’s Selections and My Islamic Family, respectively. They are the parents 5 year old Dhuha, an Autistic girl.

Tell us a bit about yourself and your family.

My name is Abdullah Hashim. I’m 30 years old and I’ve been Muslim just over 11 years. My wife, Zahira, and I got married in 2003 and we have three children. Sabah is our eldest at six years old. Dhuha is five, and Abdurrahman is nearly two years old. We are a close family and spend most of our time together.

Your experience as the parents of a child with Autism is the purpose of our interview today, tell us where on the spectrum is your child diagnosed? (Aspergers, PDD-NOS, Classic Autism etc.)

Dhuha has classic Autism, though I don’t feel the term autism accurately conveys Dhuha’s day to day struggles.

Tell us the first things you noticed about your child that caused concern or set off alarm bells and at what age?

Looking back we can see signs of Dhuha’s autism as early has 9 months old. Of course, we didn’t know anything at all about autism and so we wrote most things off to a bit of quirkiness.  Some of the early signs were, hand flapping, making repetitive sounds but no attempts to communicate, running around a room and undue fascination with things that move in a circular motion. She didn’t point or ask for things. When offered things such as sweets, ice cream or any other treat, she wouldn’t seem to be bothered.

Once you had noticed these things, what were your first steps towards either working with them on your own or figuring out what was causing the issues?

When you decided to get an official diagnosis, tell us about the experience you had finding the right Dr’s and getting the right answers.

Where do you live and how do you think living where you do affected that experience, if at all?

We live in England. It’s hard to say if it had an impact. Certainly, having access to the NHS and receiving DLA has removed most if not all the financial worry of caring for Dhuha’s disability. I couldn’t imagine begin stuck in a place like America and having to pay for everything. I don’t think we could have coped.

What about family, what was your immediate and extended family reaction to your child’s issues and subsequent diagnosis of Autism?

Since Dhuha is not the first in our extended family to have autism, most reaction was of one of acceptance. However, most of our family does not accommodate her well or at all. The expectation is that Zahira and I control her. The result is a feeling of exclusion and isolation.

Do you have other children? How has your child’s Autism impacted their life(lives), in both positive or negative ways?

I think the biggest impact has happened to Sabah. Where you would normally see two sisters at their ages playing and enjoying their time together, we have to keep our girls apart. Sabah also has to deal with the inequalities between our treatment of her and Dhuha. It is simply impossible to parent a normal developing child and a child on the autism spectrum in the same way, because their abilities and our expectations are very different. On the positive side, Sabah loves to look after Dhuha and she is very proud of her.

What challenges do you face with having an Autistic child and a Non Autistic child? How does your parenting have to change between them or how is your parenting different from other parents who have, say 2 non Autistic children?

A big challenge we face, is not allowing Dhuha’s condition to dictate or control what goes on at home. In the beginning, morning to night was spent dealing with Dhuha’s issue. It was very easy to extend our mindset of dealing with Dhuha to the others, restricting their movement and even becoming short tempered with them. Another challenge we face, is making sure each of our children get enough positive attention. Sabah especially spends too much time on solitary activities.

What impact, negative and positive, has your child’s Autism had on you as a parent and as a person outside of your parenting role?

I am a better parent and a better person because of Dhuha. She taught me what patience is and made me realise how most of the time I fall short of true patience. She has helped me to put my trust, hopes and dreams in Allah’s hands. Moreover, there is something wonderful and heart melting about her eyes and her smile.

There are many challenges we face with children who have Autism, but they also carry many gifts and can offer special insights with their unique perspective. Tell us a bit about your child’s special abilities, special gifts and special interests. (Note: In our last interview sister Zeba pointed out not all children on the spectrum have special abilities, my intention with this question is to ask, what is special about your child, it’s going to vary greatly, but every child has something special about them)

Dhuha is an affectionate and clever girl and a bit mischievous. She has an amazing ability to think through a problem and arrive at her own solution. She loves her family, teachers and friends and she forms close bonds with them.

Share some advice for parents who suspect their child may be on the Autism Spectrum.

And some advice for parents whose children have been diagnosed.

The first part in this 3 part interview is about her experience of having one of her 3 daughters become a Muslim (that would be me). The second part will be about her experience as a single mother who raised 3 daughters mostly alone and her advice for others in a similar circumstance. The third and final part of the interview will deal with the topic of rape and sexual abuse.

These interviews are as much about her life and experience as they are to share her wisdom with you, that’s why the second and third topics were chosen.

For now, Part 1, the mother of a Muslim convert (or revert as I prefer).

Tell us a bit about yourself.

I was born in 1954, so am now 40yrs old (lol) at least I don’t feel older than that. Age is but a number.

My ancestors, as far as I know, came from Ireland, Scotland and England and I am a 5th generation pakeha kiwi (white New Zealander). During my childhood I learnt very little of Maori or the history of our country. Our education was very British in those days. During my daughters’ childhood the maori education system began so I learned a lot while they were growing up and felt shame that I had known so little. The things I learnt could fill another whole essay!
I have 3 amazing daughters, now mostly grown up at 28, 26 and 21 years old. They’ve given me 4 precious moko (grandchildren) aged 5, two 3yr olds and a 2yr old…….. to be continued we hope.

I have always enjoyed children and their development fascinates me, which led to a strong interest in psychology of humans and my early training as a Karitane Baby nurse. I do not really enjoy learning at ‘school’, but have often gone back to try again as an adult at university-type institutions. The expectation of regurgitating other people’s thoughts I find extremely pointless, though the information part of it is often interesting. I am an independent thinker.
I spend as much time as I can reading. My tastes are eclectic as it is possible to learn from almost any reading, including the wonderful world of the internet. Special favourites are historical novels, texts on history, psychology, sociology, anthropology. I have many favourite novels as well, including Wuthering Heights, Always Coming Home, the Dune books, Clan of the Cave Bear series, the list goes on…… poetry by Shakespeare, Emily Bronte, Kahlil Gibran, another list that keeps on going. Mythology too.
Also I love animals, plants, nature, the ocean (especially wild coasts like the west coast of Aotearoa (New Zealand)).

Interested in politics, though very disillusioned by the establishment years ago!

Talk a bit about your spiritual beliefs.

My spiritual life began as a child with a mother who is Protestant and a father who was a lapsed Catholic. My father’s mother was a devout Catholic, so I was baptised in that church and began my schooling in a convent – brainwashing in my opinion with church services 3 times a week during school hours.
During my adolescence I turned to Christianity more than once, trying out different churches, until I became disillusioned at the age of around 17 with the un-Christian behaviour of leaders and congregations. Real spirituality is sadly lacking in today’s world.
Since then I still have belief in a ‘higher power’ though I believe it is too huge a concept for mere humans to understand. I believe in the prophets, that there are sometimes very special people with more understanding than the average person of things spiritual. I also believe that people then warp their teachings and so I don’t follow any religion but have respect for others and our planet. I pray my own way for guidance and help and have been supported in my life this way.

What was your exposure to Islam before your daughter reverted?

I had read about Islam but all I really knew was that it was a religion of the Arab culture, with the Quran as their ‘bible’.

What were your views on Islam before?

I thought it was repressive of women, patriarchal to the extreme with much abuse of women who were kept in the home and allowed no freedom. I thought all decisions were made my the male head of the family. It seemed very distant and foreign.

What were your biggest concerns about your daughter becoming Muslim?

As above, I worried that she was getting involved in a religion that was extremely foreign to us and that she was not looking at the negatives. She was a very spiritual child and had been searching for a religion to belong to, trying Mormon and Baha’i before finding Islam and feeling that it was right for her. I called her my ‘fairy child’ as she did not seem to be grounded in the same way most people are.

I was being told many fearful stories by other people in our life – of abuse of Islamic women and hatred and murder of western people being a central belief of Islam.

What were you not worried about?

I reminded myself that I had brought my girls up to be independent thinkers and to learn for themselves about the world. I had been careful to allow them to develop their own spiritual beliefs as no-one has the absolute answer to the big questions. She was getting copious quantities of books on Islam and meeting women who were muslim so was educating herself – and me.
I had to remind myself that I had to let go at some point, though it seemed to be coming too soon, she was only 16!

How did you feel about the Arab fiancé?

Very confused thoughts and very concerned that he may have dishonest motives for encouraging my daughter. She had met him on the internet (a new concept then) and spent a huge amount of time chatting online as well as on phone calls with him. She had not been ‘in love’ before so was very inexperienced and idealistic to extremes.
Once she had convinced me that he was ok, I then worried that he may also be being misled by older men who may have wanted a girl with a NZ passport, for their own motives. Sept.11th had happened, everyone was very fearful and NZ passports are ‘safe’ compared to other countries.

You are by far not a racist person, but you had some fears about your arab son-in-law-to-be, what do you think created or fed the fears you had about him?

Media saturation of stories of terrorism and Arab hatred of westerners and other people feeling the need to remind me of their one-sided fears. I was recommended to read the book ‘Not Without My Daughter’ by more than one person. I did read it though not until after learning enough to calm my fears. People often asked me the question “how can you let her?”. Obviously these were people who had not raised a teenage girl! But it still led me to question myself.

How are your feelings about Arab men different now from what they were then?

I have little experience of Arab men apart from my son-in-law, who I love for the way he treats my daughter, my moko (grandchildren) and myself. He is kind and respectful and takes very good care of my precious girl and their babies. He listens to her opinions on everything and does not expect her to always defer to him, though he still has the final say on big decisions. This is no different to men here in Aotearoa (New Zealand). My personal experience has been of angry and abusive (non-arab) men and he is NOT like them.

What was your reaction and your feelings about hijab?

At first she didn’t wear hijab, then made a date when she would start to wear it so we had time to get used to the idea. I was nervous about her safety, the harassment she would get from others.
I was also nervous and unsure how I would feel living with my daughter’s beautiful hair being covered and how different she would look. How would I feel? Well we, my other 2 girls and I, got used to it quickly – her sisters were very protective of her and would not let anyone put her down in their presence!
Family and friends did not understand, though most family kept their thoughts to themselves. I think many family members thought it was a ‘teenage phase’ which would eventually fade.

You’re an avid reader, which books did you read during this time and how did they help or not help?

I read many of the books on Islam that my daughter brought home and found that much of Islam was very similar to Christianity. The belief was in love and peace, which set my mind at rest. I read some parts of the Quran as well.
I also read some autobiographies as well as ‘Not Without My Daughter’ – recommended to me by so many people – which is a scary biography of a woman mistreated by her Arab husband and his family. This I left until after I had gained some knowledge and I knew from experience that some women suffer this awful experience in all cultures.

How have your views changed about Islam in the past 9 years?

My views have gone from ignorance and fear to knowledge, acceptance and pride in my daughter for sticking with her chosen religion.

I spend a lot of time defending Islam and attempting to educate others. My reading and knowledge continues to grow.

First, please tell us a bit about yourself.

Have you done interfaith work before? Tell us about it.

ne of the reasons I chose the ALEPH rabbinic program is my tremendous admiration for the founder of the seminary, a rabbi named Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, who has been a pioneer in doing interfaith work and in what he calls “deep ecumenism” — interfaith work which acknowledges the deep commonalities between different religious traditions. (You can read about him in Rodger Kamenetz’s book “The Jew in the Lotus,” about a group of rabbis who went to India to meet with the Dalai Lama.) Thanks to Reb Zalman, I’ve known from the start that I wanted interfaith work to be an important part of my rabbinate.

In terms of my own interfaith work: some years ago I partnered with a Christian blogger named Thurman Hart to create the Prog Faith Blog con, a gathering of bloggers of progressive faith from across the religious spectrum. I was responsible for organizing prayer at the conference. I asked bloggers of different faiths to lead prayer arising out of their tradition. We were a small group, so the expectation was that everyone would attend each session of prayer, even if it wasn’t their own religious tradition. So I led Jewish prayer on Friday night; a Buddhist led meditation on Saturday morning; a Muslim blogger led salat and zhikr on Saturday evening; and Christian bloggers led a Christian service on Sunday morning. It was incredibly powerful.

Last year I had the wonderful experience of being part of a retreat for Emerging Jewish and Muslim Religious Leaders, which strengthened my commitment specifically to finding ways to connect with Muslims who are open to working in an interfaith context. That was a wonderful experience too. I loved meeting everyone and I loved studying together. (We focused on the story of Joseph/Yusuf, as it appears in the Qur’an and in the Torah, and also as it appears in later midrash and tafsir. It was awesome!)

What are your thoughts and feelings about the current wave of Islamophobia surrounding Park 51?

The current wave of Islamophobia makes me really sad. This is not how we should relate to one another! My teacher Reb Zalman likes to say that religions are like organs in the body of humanity. We need each organ to do what it does — we need each religion to be its own unique self — but we also need each organ to be in conversation with the other organs. If the heart stopped speaking to the liver, we’d be in trouble; if Jews or Christians or Hindus can’t relate to Muslims, we’re likewise in trouble. Humanity needs us to be better than that.

I wish different religious traditions could relate to each other with mutual respect and kindness. I think the controversy over Park 51 could have been an opportunity for people to expand their horizons and learn more about Islam, and instead it’s mostly been an opportunity for negativity. I’d like to hope we can be better than that.

What was your initial reaction when hearing about the desecration of Al Iman Mosque?

I was appalled! I immediately imagined how I would feel if this happened in my religious community. And it seemed like this was just another instance of the rising Islamophobia in the States right now. I was angry and I felt ashamed that a fellow American had behaved in this way.

How did you get from that reaction, to the decision to raise money for reimbursing the cost of cleaning the prayer carpets?

I tweeted a link about the desecration on my twitter (@velveteenrabbi), and one of my followers, @stumark, tweeted in response suggesting that we raise money to reimburse the mosque for their prayer rugs. I think his original idea was that we should reach out to the Jewish community in Queens and see if a local synagogue might want to donate some funds; I figured it made sense to ask my readers at Velveteen Rabbi whether they wanted to chip in. So I posted on VR and on twitter inviting folks to donate to me via Paypal, with the promise that I would pass along any funds I received to the masjid.

What sort of reaction did you get, positive and negative?

I got incredibly positive responses! The only vaguely negative comment I got came after the fundraising was finished, when someone noted on my blog that it’s easy to do projects like this one but what really counts is deep, sustainable change. I think she felt that this project was “feel-good” and superficial, and that’s a legitimate challenge; I appreciated her input.

But on the whole, everyone who responded was positive. I got wonderful notes from people who felt grateful to be able to do something small to help counter the tide of Islamophobia and negativity.

How much did you raise, in what period of time and from how many donations?

We raised $1,180 over the course of one weekend. 65 people donated. Most of the donations were small: $5, $10, $15, $18. Several people said they wished they could give more. One man mentioned being low-income; others mentioned being on a fixed income. Everyone said they wanted to send goodwill to the masjid and that they wanted to help show that the man who urinated on the prayer rugs does not represent the rest of us.

Who did the donations come from?

The first few donations came from my friends and regular readers. But then people started sharing the link on twitter and facebook and their own blogs, and I started getting money from people I’d never met and never seen before. Some self-identified as Jews; a few others self-identified as rabbis. Others self-identified as Christians (evangelicals, Catholics, Protestants), others as Buddhists, others as Pagans, others as Muslims.

What was the reaction you got back from the Mosque?

A friend put me in touch with someone at the mosque, who thanked me very kindly and said that they appreciated the generosity and they would use the money to replace their rugs. I sent a check for $1,180 along with a letter which listed the names of all of the donors who wished to be identified by name.

I’m sure you’ve received a fair bit of extra traffic at your blog! Please share the link for those who’d like to follow you or read a bit of what you have to say.

It’s been lovely to get some new readers; I’m always happy to have more folks join the conversation! Anyone who’s interested can find me at http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/ (and on twitter at @velveteenrabbi.)

Rachel, Thank you and all of those who have stood next to the Muslim community during this time, I can’t quite put into words what it means to me but it is a deep respect and gratitude. – Emma

Please tell us a bit about yourself and your work. What made you go into film as a career? How did you get started?

To put it simply, I was raised with a calling to make the world a better place and to learn about other cultures and people.  Film and media turned out to be a great means to do this.  I minored in film in undergrad and for my thesis film I traveled to Oman and profiled women’s lives in the country.  I think this experience among others pushed me to tell more stories about the Middle East and Islam.

I think you’re opening a lot of eyes, hearts and minds through your films, I both admire and appreciate that personally. What inspired you to do this work on this particular topic?

When I was 17, I traveled with my brother by bus across the Middle East.  This was right after the first Gulf War and we were invited into peoples’ homes and would stay up all night and discuss politics, life, religion, everything.  This experience launched my love of the Middle East and its people.

I later studied Arabic at Birzeit University in the West Bank when I was twenty and I made friends with women who were from all backgrounds.  Some of the women were very observant Muslims, and it was then that I realized I needed to learn more about Islam.  I returned to the U.S. and switched my academic focus to Islamic Philosophy and International Affairs.

What amazing experiences! How did the idea for Veiled Voices come up?

The idea was brought to me by a childhood friend, Dr. Karen Bauer.  She had interviewed Huda al-Habash for her doctorate thesis at Princeton University.  Karen emailed me and said that these women were fascinating and would make a great documentary and we took it from there.

Your subjects, Ghina, Su’ad and Huda, are all women at very different places in their lives, how did you find them and what made you choose them?

Dr. Karen Bauer interviewed Huda al-Habash who later suggested Dr. Su’ad Saleh.  I had taught in Lebanon as a Fulbright Scholar and a student of mind suggested that Ghina Hammoud might be a good person to interview.  I did follow several women before settling on these three.

These three women are just a sampling of many women that I interviewed. You can see more profiles online at: http://www.linktv.org/video/4309/the-modern-sheikha

For the longer film, Veiled Voices, I wanted to show the diversity of the women’s opinions and lifestyles.  I wanted to share what I have learned from my travels – Islam is pluralistic.  Profiling three women in very different positions both politically and personally was critical in telling the overall story of women in leadership.

I think you did an amazing job telling that story. Tell us a bit about each woman individually, something we might not learn about them from the film.

I spent the most time with Ghina Hammoud and she is very funny and has a great sense of humor.  She also is well loved by her students and they were very protective of her.  Dr. Su’ad Saleh, despite the fact she works in the media, was the least comfortable with me filming her.  She was still very much in mourning for her late husband who she loved very deeply.

What did you personally take away from the film?

I was inspired by how these women worked within their cultural frameworks to lead, despite obstacles.  They persevered and it inspired me to persevere with the film to finish and tell their stories, which was made with great support from American University but I had limited resources and funding.  It wasn’t easy.

What was the highlight of filming, something in the film or something behind the scenes that happened?

Filming Ghina Hammoud’s family when they would have the big family lunches.  They were so welcoming to me, even though it could come at a great risk.  They didn’t know me but they trusted that I would tell their story fairly.  And the food was amazing.

What sort of feedback have you gotten from Muslim and Non Muslim audiences? Positive and Negative?

I am most proud of the fact that people respond to these women and see the film’s representation as fair.  This was something that I spent a lot of time on in the editing process and in developing the film’s structure.  I wanted audiences to see and feel these women’s experiences, not my point of view as a filmmaker.

In my review I talked about the style of film being a bit “Reality TV” and you explained it’s ‘Cinema Verite’ (a documentary style from the 60’s). Why did you decide to film in this style?

I think audiences relate to these women more when they see them in both their public and private spaces.  I was intrigued by how these women interacted with their students.  They really  did treat their students’ as sisters and I wanted to capture that feeling.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? How do you think this applies to your work with Muslim women and your subjects in Veiled Voices in particular?

I absolutely consider myself a feminist.  I believe we need to establish a world of mutual respect and justice and I believe my work is in support of this goal.   We all can learn from each other and I learned from these women and deeply respect their journeys of faith and leadership.

Where can readers view or buy Veiled Voices and where can they get in touch (website, twitter, facebook etc.)?

Readers can rent Veiled Voices on youtube.  Purchase the DVD on Amazon and check out our website for upcoming televisions broadcasts.

What can readers do to help get Veiled Voices out there?

I encourage viewers to organize community screenings and launch discussion groups around the film.  We have a viewing guide and discussion questions available on our website.  If people are interested in using Veiled Voices as a teaching tool, we also have a guide for teachers available.  Thank you so much for help spreading the word!

Zeba is the mother of 4 year old Khalid a Moderately Autistic boy, she blogs about her life with honest and often adorable & amusing posts about Khalid and his little sister Iman (who is Neurotypical, or non-Autistic). Zeba talks a bit about her experiences and shares a little wisdom.

Asalamualekom sister! Ok, let’s jump right into it, tell us first a bit about yourself and your family.

Once upon a time a Pakistani Muslim married an American Mormon and four of us happened.  I have two brothers and one sister, and with our powers combined, we were confused genetic mixups raised half of the time in Pakistan and half of the time in Chicago.

We were living in Pakistan when I met my husband, and I married him in 2005 and moved to the UAE, where we’ve been living since.  We have two criminally cute children, one of whom is autistic.

Your experience as the mother of a child with Autism is the purpose of our interview today, tell us where on the spectrum was your son diagnosed? (Aspergers, PDD-NOS, Classic Autism etc.)

My son Khalid is four, and he has classic autism, moderate.

Tell us the first things you noticed about your son that caused concern or set off alarm bells and at what age?

Being a first child, everything Khalid did set off alarms.  You know how it is- your first baby’s temperature is elevated by .4 degrees- Fahrenheit- and you’re calling the pediatrician at two in the morning.   But some things were more worrying than others. We visited numerous pediatricians about Khalid’s sleeping habits- he woke up every two hours screaming, day or night, usually less.  Every doctor we went to told us the same thing- he’s a baby, he’ll grow out of it.

By the time he was two, and he still hadn’t grown out of it, we had other worries as well.  He was completely non-verbal.  No ma-ma or da-da or ball or yes or no.  He didn’t crawl until he wasn’t almost a year old, he didn’t walk until he was 13 or fourteen months old.  Taken independently, these issues were considered minor, and were often written off as being ‘First Child-itis,’ or ‘Over Mothering.’  By the time Iman was born, and Khalid was two, he was silent, unresponsive, easy to mistake for deaf, and had begun to bang his head against walls and windows and doors, and scream if anyone laughed in his vicinity.  We took him to a pediatrician the first time someone suggested autism to us, and the pediatrician said, “Does he mind having his ears touched?”  We said no.  “Well then, he’s not autistic,” the pediatrician said, and to him, that was that.

In retrospect, I would like to track that pediatrician down and give him a piece of my mind as well as some autism awareness pamphlets.  It wasn’t until my sister, who is a science journalist, moved back to the UAE that autism came up again.  She had just written an article about autism and said to me carefully one day- “Look, I don’t want to worry you, but your son has all six of the major signs of autism…”  And that was the beginning of panic.

Once you had noticed these things, what were your first steps towards either working with him on your own or figuring out what was causing the issues?  When you decided to get an official diagnosis, tell us about the experience you had finding the right Dr’s and getting the right answers.

We googled and called and researched and got in touch with a variety of centers in the UAE.  Some of them are exclusively for locals.  One or two of them are subsidized and open to expats, and have waiting lists of six to nine months just for an assessment.   So we went the private, self-paid route.

Eventually, we managed to get Khalid an initial assessment at the Rashid Pediatric Therapy Center in Dubai, which is a wonderful place.  There was a team of three- a physical therapist, a behavioral psychologist, and an occupational therapist- who sat with us for a few hours asking questions and observing Khalid, and at the end of it, told us that we should have him properly assessed for autism.  Of course, I was in tears.  My worst fears had been confirmed, and on top of that, we were starting to understand the financial scope of what private autism treatment entailed.  In the UAE, there is no government support for autism treatment for expats.  When we see Khalid’s case manager, it’s $150 dollars- an hour.  The psychologist told us flatly- “You were saving up for him to go to college, right?  Well, if you don’t spend for this now, he’ll never make it to college.”

We had Khalid’s proper psychological assessment done at the Child Early Intervention Medical Center in Dubai, and after two sessions of kicking and screaming and flailing around, the doctor concluded that Khalid’s mental age was 13 months, and he was moderately autistic.  As depressing as that sounds, the assessment gave us hope.  How?  Well, when the doctor presented Khalid with piles of plastic tiles in red, yellow, and green, and asked him to place a tile in the correct color group, Khalid’s response was to angrily snatch the tile from her hand and throw it on the floor.  Wait- here’s the amazing thing- then he would pick up the rest of the tiles *of the right color* and throw those on the floor too.  That was the first, the absolute first clue that we had that there was some cognitive thought happening inside of Khalid.  Here was a boy who didn’t talk, didn’t play with toys, didn’t interact with people, all he did, all day long was stare out of the window or follow me around the house- he didn’t even do the ‘typical’ autism things like stack objects or sort toys by color, so to see him throw the right color toys was amazing, SubhanAllah.  Because that meant he could recognize what color was.

How do you think living in the Middle East affected that experience, if at all?

Living here has been a blessing as well as a challenge.  In the UAE, getting domestic help is commonplace and affordable.  When Iman was born, I got full-time help, and having the extra pair of hands, as well as the company of another sane person in the house was a Godsend, Alhamdulillah.  We also have a full-time ABA therapist for Khalid, who works with his case manager and takes Khalid through his ABA program and even accompanies us out on errands to help manage his behaviour.  Cindy, the housekeeper, and Joy, Khalid’s therapist, are part of our family, and without their help, I can’t imagine trying to divide my time between the house, Iman, and Khalid while maintaining any semblance of balance.  Being a mother is a full time job, being a housewife is a full time job, being the caregiver of a special-needs child is a full-time job, and in my case, being a corporate communications consultant is my part-time job.  I need help, and Alhamdulillah, in this part of the world, it is available.

The challenge of living here is, as I mentioned before, no government support whatsoever, and little institutional support.  In the US, I believe that the public school system is obliged to provide support for special needs children, and insurance companies are slowly being forced to take responsibility to autism treatments.  Over here, parents are bluntly told ‘we don’t work with special-needs children.’  I’ve been turned down by dentists who won’t work on Khalid, and had to fight to get Khalid into children’s play areas where the staff don’t want him inside with the other kids.  I remember talking to another autism mom about this, she had just come back from yet another rejection in the quest to get her son into second grade.  “I told them I’m glad they have a choice whether they want kids with autism,” she said bitterly.  “Some of us didn’t.”

What about family, what was your immediate and extended family reaction to your sons issues and subsequent diagnosis with Autism?

I think our families handled the situation better than others.  On both sides there was a huge sadness, and even some denial- but we have come eventually to acceptance.  I know other people who have to fight with in-laws who say things like ‘We don’t believe in autism,’ and think that the head-banging and developmental deficit are purely the effects of negligent parenting.

I understand you have a younger daughter who was born around the same time your son was being diagnosed. How has your sons Autism impacted her life, in both positive or negative ways?

Having help reduced the negative impact, most definitely.  Having a nanny meant that Iman was never left to cry by herself because I was trying to convince Khalid to stop hitting himself, although Iman was left at home in Abu Dhabi, four days a week, all day while I drove Khalid to Dubai and back for therapy.  It’s a 60-mile drive each way, and we would be out for six hours a day.  Alhamdulillah, once Joy joined us, the daily commute was reduced to a bi-weekly commute, and since then I get to spend about equal time with both kids.

I used to worry about how Khalid’s autism would hurt Iman, and one of the most worrying things was how he would push her around and knock her down without even meaning to.  This was an issue when she was smaller, but now that she’s bigger, I worry more about Khalid.  He’s a gentle giant, and Iman is a vicious and loving little firecracker who will hug Khalid one minute and bite him the next.

One very positive outcome of Khalid’s autism is the improved quality of Iman’s parents.  Both HF and I learned to be far, far more patient because of Khalid.  Before we knew he had autism, being kicked in the face would infuriate me.  Now, I barely notice it.  Sometimes, I don’t even wake up for it.  Without the challenges that Khalid’s autism brought us, we would never have been forced to up our parenting ante.  Because Khalid does not understand the greater disciplinary meaning behind being spanked, it is useless, and even counter productive.  So we don’t spank.  Khalid is terrified by yelling or loud voices, so we don’t yell.  Khalid cries and screams and pleads to get out of ABA therapy every single time he is taken, and we still send him in even though it rips your heart in two to hear him cry out Mama- a word that took him nearly three years to learn.  So what chance does Iman stand when she cries to get out of brushing her teeth?  Slim to none.  We’re not calloused, we’re just well-seasoned.  Also, we’re gluten-free, casein-free, egg-free, and largely sugar-free.  So Iman eats a healthy diet whether she wants to or not, and I think that’s a good thing.

What challenges do you face with having an Autistic child and a Non Autistic child? How does your parenting have to change between them or how is your parenting different from other mothers who have say 2 non Autistic children?

I can only answer the first half of that question, because I have no idea what having two neurotypical children is like.  I still haven’t gotten my head around what having one neurotypical child is like!  Iman actually smiles and bats her eyelashes when she’s trying to get out of a time-out, and she’s only two.  She hits Khalid when no one is looking, and runs away faster than he can start crying.  I say she’s devious, but maybe she’s just normal.  I’m not sure.   She is nothing like Khalid, who has little to no social complexity, and certainly no duplicity and no concept of manipulation.  Our parenting is the same between them, because the entire formula is to reinforce what’s good and replace or restructure what is bad.  And we use principles of ABA on her too, like the No-No-Prompt rule, which means that if Iman ignores the request to clean up her toys twice, the third time we walk her through the process, kicking and screaming if necessary.  What can I say, it’s tough being a toddler.

What impact, negative and positive, has your son’s Autism had on you as a Mother and as a person outside of your mother role?

As I mentioned above- Khalid’s autism has made me a better parent as well a better human, and above all, a better Muslim.  It’s easy to be at peace with Qadr and happy with the will of Allah when life is good and your children are normal.  Try being a ‘heart at rest’ when you worry who will change your son’s diapers after you die, and suddenly faith takes a good deal more effort.  It’s a real struggle, and Alhamdulillah, it has been a real victory.  That is not to say that I don’t wish Khalid were ‘normal,’ or that I don’t want him to be able to live independently and achieve such amazing feats as speaking a full sentence- I am allowed to worry for him, but I am required to have faith that Allah will provide for Khalid and care for Him from provision that is unlimited and dictated by Supreme Mercy, and that Allah cares for Khalid more than I do.  I’m not Khalid’s Rabb, Allah is.  And Khalid is a gift, a temporary loan to me from Allah, and even his autism is a blessing, because it is the catalyst for the ongoing improvement of my character.

There are many challenges we face with Autistic children, but they also carry many gifts and offer special insights with their unique perspective. Tell us a bit about your sons special abilities and special interests.

I wish it weren’t, but the idea that every individual with autism has unique genius-like abilities or interests is a myth.  Less than ten percent of autistic individuals have savant-like skills, and as of yet, it would seem that Khalid is not in that ten percent.

AllahuAalim. But he does enjoy drumming.  And his toy train.  And he loves Iman defensively and earnestly.  And sometimes he reads road signs and juice boxes, and in the dark, when he feels like no one is watching, he sings.  He’s no Yusuf Islam, and he doesn’t know all the words, but he sings bits and snatches of ‘Five little monkeys,’ and his ABC’s, and he waves his legs in the air and counts his toes, which this evening, were numbered at sixteen. 

Share some advice for parents who suspect their child may be on the Autism Spectrum.

Get your child assessed as soon as possible, to hell with the stigma, and ignore everyone who says they’ll grow out of it.  Your child’s future, their life- is far more important than opinion, and far more precious than reputation.  And if someone tells you they can ‘cure’ autism, kick them in the shins and run the other way, because 100% of treatments that are effective for autism are behaviorally-based.  Autism is not a disease or a food allergy (though my son and my daughter both have food allergies, and only one of them has autism) and it can’t be cured with chelation or banished with healing crystals.  It’s a test from Allah, and a genetic neurological disorder present from birth.

And some advice for parents whose children have been diagnosed.

Make dua.  Not because dua is magic words, or there’s a certain verse somewhere for curing autism, but because Allah created your child as well as your child’s autism.  And it may be nearly impossible to see right now, but there is good in it.  So ask Allah for patience, because you already have the strength.  Allah knew you could handle it, otherwise, he would never have tested you with it.  And Allah promises that he will never burden anyone more than they can bear, and that any trial or test or worry will be rewarded.  Ask Allah for guidance when it comes to sorting through the thousands of quack treatments to find the promising therapies, and for the faith to repel Shaitaan, who would tempt you to lose hope and become bitter.  You child deserves your love, your determination, and your optimism.  In some cases a child’s Jannah is in serving their parents, but in your case, your Jannah may be found in serving them.

Anything else you’d like to add?

You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault.

And of course! The link to your blog:

www.abezsez.com

Asalamualekom Jennifer. Let’s start with an introduction, tell our readers a bit about yourself.

Wa’Alaykum Salam. My name is Jennifer Kabir and I am a Journalist, wife, and mother of two. I came to Islam a little over ten years ago alhomdulellah. I was raised in a very traditional American family and lived in Southern California all of my life up until two years ago when my husband and I moved to Michigan . I wrote an article for Speaking of Faith about my reversion here.

What is Muslimah Mystique and what makes it unique?

Muslimah Mystique is an aesthetic site for modest women infused with product reviews, industry trends, style, and periodical commentary. As the subtitle suggests it’s a modest style and beauty blog for the everyday Muslimah. The site is reflective of daily living in terms of personal style, inspiration, and our unique niche in the world of fashion as Muslim women. Muslimah Mystique aims to be a fun, informative, and enjoyable resource while at the same time challenging stereotypes about who we are as Muslim women.

As a revert to Islam, I write from the perspective of a woman who has learned to balance my deen and dunya inshallah! Striking a balance between my personal expression through style and creativity without sacrificing proper hijab defines a great deal of my daily style.

Your website is fairly new mashaAllah, tell us what inspired you to do this?

The inspiration for Muslimah Mystique is the result of my own collective experiences as a Muslim woman and as a creative thinker. Recently IslamiCity published an article I wrote about modest style and my own transformative experience.

Before founding Muslimah Mystique I was freelancing as a Public Relations Specialist. I wrote for my local Islamic Center, InFocus Newspaper, Muslim Bridges, and ghost writing services. Like many reverts to Islam, I had a strong desire to bring awareness and to propagate Islam.

The longer I wore hijab, the more beauty it held for me. At the same time, I was able to fully realize just how misunderstood the hijab is and the challenge this presents to Muslim women who observe it. It became clear to me that many individuals still view the hijab as an oppressive symbol. While in reality it is a choice and a symbol of faith. Furthermore, while the hijab is not fashion-many women who wear it are very fashionable.

Seeing this stark dichotomy and feeling passionate about “taking back” the image of hijab defines the passion behind my projects.

How did you come up with the name?

Mystique is something rare that only a few possess. When a Muslim woman walks by notice the unique silhouette of her flowing dress and hijab. There is something so transcendentally beautiful about a woman completely covered. It defies the laws of beauty set by Western standards yet few would deny that this dress is the ultimate in feminine beauty. And to me, this is the mystique of the Muslim woman.

What about the Logo, tell us a bit about it and what the idea is behind it.

The logo is symbolic of our hijab and our modest beauty. It’s a part of who we are and a fundamental part of our mystique.

Have you always been a lover of fashion or was it Hijab that got you into it?

I was raised around a great deal of creative energies. My Mother and Grandmother are both print artists. Fashion and writing are both art forms for me. Hijab inspired me on a spiritual and aesthetic level.

MashaAllah, what are your views on correct Hijab and the various ways sisters interpret it?

I follow the Qur’an and Sunnah in my observance of hijab. Allah told us to cover everything except our hands and face. I do believe that modesty is at the discretion of each person. I think a woman in a long jean skirt, tunic, and hijab is just as modest as a woman in an abaya. It’s a matter of personal style. Some women prefer a jilbab as their outer garment while some wear a trench coat. There are many creative ways to achieve modest coverage and I write about that in my column as the Muslim Women’s Style Examiner.

You asked me in my interview if I prefer square, shayla hijabs or both, what about you?

These days shaylas in a rayon fabric are my favorites. lol

Do you have a signature look?

I would describe my style as casual / classic. I like neutrals with jewel tones as accents. Mid-length jackets are must have’s for my wardrobe. My jewelry is something that does not change- two silver bracelets and silver ball stud earrings. I favor hobo style bags in natural fabrics because I love the way they compliment hijab in both the material and the decorative straps worn on the shoulder-close to the hijab. I think hijabies have the definitive edge on this look.

What’s unique about your style of Hijab?

My hijabs are purchased from stores like Nordstrom’s, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls. They are Shayla style, very breathable, and light without being transparent. I wear linen and rayon in the summer, and acrylic in the winter season. I would say that my hijab is very simple and classic. I normally only need one pin (at the chin) and often wrap the other end into the corner.

How has your style evolved over time?

When I first began wearing hijab it was abayas and square hijabs (mainly white) in polyester. Over time, I began finding various ways to cover and realized that I had a lot of options. When polyester hijabs became extremely uncomfortable for me, I learned that I needed to start wearing different fabrics like rayon and linen. Now when I see a dress I like I think in terms of hijabifing it.

What advice do you have for sisters who want to find their own sense of style without compromising their modesty?

It’s not difficult to find your own style. It should be enjoyable. I tell sisters to keep their everyday clothing classic. For example, a plain black abaya with clean lines will allow her to define her style with accessories that appeal to her. If she’s wearing a long dark skirt and a tunic she can change up her look from funky to romantic depending on her accessories. In this case, her hijab might define the look. Pink for soft and girlish or lace for romantic and Victorian. I tell sisters to go shopping and look at the accessory section. What catches her eye? This can be done on the internet as well.

Tell us some of your favorite stores to shop at and why.

I mentioned Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, and TJ Maxx. These stores often have many designer items at marked down prices. I also adore Shukr because they have so many classic pieces that are well made from fabrics such as cotton, linen, and rayon. Boutiques are favorites as well. I will find unexpected items from resale stores that I would have never come across at retail outlets. I visited a boutique a few days ago and found a very cute cotton black jacket with puffed shoulders and buttons down the front. It was perfect with long sleeves and modest length for under ten dollars. There was no label on it. But, who cares! It works.

Any tips for finding a modest in the not-so-modest stores?

Size up for added modesty. Long Pencil skirts are classic and go with everything. There’s no law that says they must be worn tight. Try a pump instead of the spiked heel. Take the sheer top and layer it in with your more modest pieces. Purchase blazers and vests-wear them for coverage.

What can we expect from Muslimah Mystique in the future?

Muslimah Mystique plans to become more interactive with our readers in the future inshallah with giveaways, special features, news, and highlighting the special talents of designers and artists.

I am currently working on an outline for a book on Muslimah style so stay tuned for that inshallah!

MashaAllah looking forward to that! What do you want your readers to take away from your site?

I would like Muslimah Mystique to be a wide open resource for readers in terms of daily living. It’s personal style on all levels and exploring ideas and concepts that facilitate bringing that all together.

Finally, tell our readers how they can get involved and where they can find you?

We want to hear from our readers and look forward to their contributions. If you’re a sister who is an aspiring designer, a hijab stylist, if you work in fashion, if you have a story to share, if you want to share your personal style- we want to hear from you!

You can find Jennifer at: MuslimahMystique (at) yahoo (dot) com

MuslimahMystique Facebook Fan Page

Muslimah Mystique Twitter

MuslimahMystique.com

How long have you been Muslim?

I plan to write my reversion story here sometime soon inshaAllah but I became Muslim in mid 2001 right around my 17th birthday. So that will be 9 years this June.

What is your inspiration behind Muslimas Oasis?

I’m not sure if you meant behind creating the Blog or when Writing so I’ll answer both: Inspiration behind creating Muslimas Oasis: Originally (not going way back here, we’ll start in 2006 for this answer) it was to raise awareness in the Muslim Womens Community and to encourage my muslim sisters to use their energy for a positive means and to work for a positive affect in the wider community. That’s still it’s purpose but now it is more of a platform for Muslim Womens voices to get out there, to address stereotypes, stigmas and taboo’s and to offer advice and perspectives. To raise awareness among us and about us.

There is still so much I want to do through Muslimas Oasis but it’s difficult for me to do it all so inshaAllah there will be more and more voices added with time.

Inspiration when writing: Anything and everything! The world fascinates me and I tend to have strong opinions on things, so it’s not so much hard to find inspiration as it is hard to find time to write it all down and sometimes hard to find the words that will get across what exactly I want to say.

Do you prefer square, shayla hijabs or both?

Both! It depends on what I’m wearing them with. Shayla (or oblong style) hijabs are good for with a simple abaya or tunic and skirt/jeans and square is good for if I’m wearing a big jacket in winter that will cover my chest so I can just tuck the hijab in the front, square is also great for quick and easy and with little ones who like to pull on m scarf!

I also love Khimaar (Amira style) hijabs as well but most don’t cover the chest so I don’t wear them. I’m also partial to tube style underscarves  (and would love to try the bonnet style but haven’t) I like the layered look.

As a Muslim Woman, what can I do for Islam?

This is a really big question that could get a really long answer. I’ll try to keep it short (not my strong point). As a Muslim Woman the first thing you can do for Islam is learn it and practice it, be a living example, teach others by example. The people who taught me the most about Islam and who softened my heart the most to it as I grew into being a Muslim, were the ones that showed me the Sunnah in the way they lived and behaved. Be kind and gentle with everyone as was the Prophets (peace be upon him) example. The next thing you can do is talk about it, correct any misconceptions you hear, answer questions honestly but in an open and gentle way, ask people questions about what THEY know and think about Islam, start a discussion. Write about it, the biggest purpose of Muslimas Oasis is a safe and open place for sisters to be heard, this is a great place for speaking up and speaking out.

We all go through times when we struggle with our practice or our faith, try to learn from these times and focus on yourself until you feel stronger in your faith, at those low points, it’s time to go back to basics.

How in the world did you conjure up the idea (a great one, masha’allah) to start your website?

Thanks so much sis! Well if we go way back it was when I was a new muslim and just wanted to share what I was learning about Islam, it evolved into something more political and as I learned more and went back to my peace loving roots *smiles* it evolved again into an Awareness project and then finally into the Muslimas Oasis you see before you.

Why the concept and why the name?

The concept, as I explained above, was originally to share what I was learning as a new Muslim, that was back in early 2002. Then to speak out about political injustice, mostly in Palestine. Then back to educating, this is when the name Muslimas Oasis came up (it was my husbands idea mashaAllah) and at that point I took a break from the whole website idea and became active in a Muslim sisters community called Muslim Sisters Unite, it was renamed Muslimas Oasis after my website at the time and last year it was again renamed back to Muslim Sisters Unite.

At that point I had developed another website called Emagine to raise awareness about issues affecting Muslims and non Muslims around the world (like Health and Social causes eg. Breast Cancer and Domestic Violence) and was in a constant state of brainstorming how to make it successful, it didn’t have nearly the involvement I had hoped for and the idea seemed to be at a dead end.

I went back to the roots, a website to raise awareness and to educate, a place for sisters to speak up and speak out about things that are important to them. I thought the name Muslimas Oasis fit the site perfectly and reclaimed it for the blog. The rest is history! Alhamdolillah it has taken years of patience and work and evolution to get here but it is slowly building and reaching people all over the world Alhamdolillah.

What was the biggest challenge/obstacle that you’ve faced so far?

I’m going to say not giving up. Heba AlShareef of IamSheba.com actually had a chat with me in the early days of Emagine (see above) about projects like this and her advice and exchanging of ideas with me has been a huge part of my not giving up. I can’t say what it was exactly that she said. So many times I have felt like what I’m trying to do is not being received how I’d intended or hoped it would be. I’ve felt disheartened at times but as I talked about in my recent ‘Today with UmmHend‘ column, I remind myself that if I am to affect even one heart, and even if it’s only my own, then it is all worth it and I’ll keep going with the hopes that the evolution of Muslimas Oasis continues and eventually it will have a positive affect on our community and those interested in Muslim Women and what we have to say.

How do you balance the site, your work and being a mom?!

Balance? *laughs* That’s something I’m slowly learning how to do, it is not easy at all! As many of you know I work from home as a Web Designer and am a mother of 2 young kids (4 and 2). It’s certainly not easy and I do fall behind in every part of it at times, often Muslimas Oasis is the one that has to wait. I’m learning to use a Schedule and I try to practice some self control and get something done on everything each day. I do often feel like I’m chasing my tail though, Alhamdolillah, I’ve made a conscious decision not to complain about any of it because it is all a labor of love and I am truly blessed and thankful for everything that I have and am able to do. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Any regrets?

Good question. No, I can’t think of any. I tend to live in the now and while we all have regrets and things that haunt us from the past, I’m a pretty content person Alhamdolillah and see the things I’ve done wrong as a process and a lesson. I know I have a long way to go and I also know that I’ve come a long way. Not trying to be flowery or anything, that really is the way I feel about life in general, there are a lot of people who can vouch for that *laughs*

What advice do you have for a Muslimah who also wants to make a difference but doesn’t know where to start?

As I said before, the best place to start is within yourself. Know your purpose, your aim, what the difference is that you want to make, if you don’t know, find it! Know what your limits are, what means are available to you. And act on that. Do a lot of thinking and soul searching first. Also don’t be afraid to fail and don’t be afraid to do it alone, don’t expect too much from anyone, if you want to make a difference, YOU have to make the difference “be the change” as Ghandi so wisely said.

I burned bridges and failed miserably for years before Muslimas Oasis finally found it’s place, I gave up a couple of times but always came back with a new idea and a new approach. The thing that helped me the most was to keep a clear purpose of what I wanted to achieve.

What do you think makes your blog different?

Me? *laughs* I honestly don’t know. I look around at the other blogs that sisters have and they are amazing mashaAllah, I wonder myself what’s different about MO and also, what I can do that is different, what I can offer that’s unique for sisters. Perhaps it’s the honesty? I want to break down taboos and stereotypes and stigmas. The middle ground? I want to enjoin good and forbid evil without apologizing for it, but I don’t want to burn any bridges. Maybe we have new ideas here that you don’t usually see/hear/read? You tell me!

You have 200+ fans…What do you think makes yours so successful?

Hmm, another hard question. It’s hard to say. Most of our readers come from North America, UK, Scandinavia and across the Muslim world (North Africa, Middle East and South Asia) with several others scattered all over the world, so I don’t think it’s one single thing that appeals to everyone, perhaps it’s the diversity of the topics, the honesty, the humble approach? Hopefully it’s that, hopefully people are learning something and taking something positive away. InshaAllah (God Willing)

What is your most favorite thing about the site?

The people! I’ve met (online and by phone, inshaAllah soon in person) so many amazing women through Muslimas Oasis, and gained a lot of social confidence myself. I’ve been able to allow people to open up, support each other, offer a new perspective and gain a new perspective.

That’s what I love the most, not the site itself but the affect and those who get involved and say “Hey, I’m reading and this is what I’m taking away”. I’m an Artist by nature and thus never happy with things I design/create (although it helps to remember only Allah can create something perfect) so I only half believe people when they compliment me on the site, I have put countless hours of work into it though so the compliments are rewarding and humbling.

Where do you see MO in two more years?

Bigger, better, reaching more people, offering more to take away, more established inshaAllah! I don’t know, I’m not one to plan ahead too far, as I said earlier, I’m more of a live in the now sort of a person. But I see it growing and offering more, I hope so anyway, inshaAllah! I definitely hope to be hearing more from all of you by then ;)

What have YOU learned about yourself from MO?

Wow, so much. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be more known for my writing than my Art. I’m not the writer in the family, my sister is, yet it has somehow become what I’m most known for and the way I’ve been able to reach the most people, with what I have to say (and I’ve never had a problem there, my picture is in the dictionary next to ‘Soap Box’) so I’ve learned that about myself, that what I have to say is worth saying (or writing since my grasp on spoken human language of any sort is not as good as written)

I’ve learned that I have more confidence than I thought with other people. I continue to learn. It’s been very interesting to learn more about how others see me actually.

How did you learn to make an interesting website like this? did it take long? cost much?

I’ll try to squeeze this into a nutshell (as we’ve noticed, not my strong point) but I warn, it may make no sense to some people.

Originally when I started making (terrible) websites to share the information I was learning about Islam I was using Angelfire which is a free and almost automatic website creation tool. This was 2002. I started getting interested in the code behind the website and so started playing around with it, changing things and then look at what had changed in the code. Along the way I started looking at the code behind other peoples websites and slowly but surely learned HTML. As the years went on I got better at design and better at code and updated my knowledge to include HTML4, XHTML1 and CSS and eventually taught myself to create WordPress themes. All this happened between 2002 and 2008 and only costed an internet connection and a single book along the way about HTML, XHTML and CSS.

This layout took a lot of trial and error, months upon months of brainstorming and designing and re-designing before I managed to find a sort of balance of what was important, less important and altogether unnecessary.

The cost of the site as it is now consists of hosting and a domain name. This cost varies and I prefer not to share it exactly.

Where do your ideas come from?

Well, here’s where I think they come from.

The world doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you look at it really, really close up. Nature is just nature if you look at it from far away, it’s a mess of trees and leaves and flowers all scattered randomly around, no order, no pattern. But if you look close enough, and for long enough, there is order, there are patterns, it does make sense, it’s not random at all.

Trying to explain and make sense of the world around me through philosophy and observation and thought, is just me. As a 5 year old I would play with my dolls in the bathroom sink and compare it to the world. What if there is a giant controlling us, just like I do my dolls, what if the ocean is the giants bathroom sink, what if, I once told my mother, “this big, huge world, is in a giants pocket” at night time, that’s why it goes dark, when he is finished playing with us, we go in his pocket.

It’s hard to explain. I think I’m just a thinker *laughs*

How do you manage to keep up with it when you have 2 wee people at home?

As I said earlier, it is not easy by any means. Everything suffers now and again and I have to keep my priorities in clear sight. This is why there is often breaks between when I write and when I don’t, sometimes I can write everyday without anything else going by the way side, and sometimes I can’t so unfortunately, for now, it is MO that has to wait. I am attempting to learn to organize my time better, I have some way to go with that, but I’m getting there.

Got a question you didn’t see answered here? Ask in the comments below!

That is truly a wonderful opportunity you are giving that woman and her children. The name can be a huge part of a companies identity, especially a clothing line. How did you come up with the name?

To dress modestly everyday takes faith. IMAN. For many women, who dress modestly because of their religious beliefs it also takes God-consciousness or TAQWA. So, I think the name of our company fits the people we design for. Taqwa Iman also happens to be my first and middle name :)

What makes Taqwa Iman different from other modest brands?

I wear many hats at TAQWA IMAN and am involved in every facet of the company. However, I do have contractors and volunteers who are involved with different aspects of the company. Their concepts of modesty and style vary.

Has there been or are there plans for a Taqwa Iman fashion show?

TAQWA IMAN had a fashion show when we first launched. InshAllah, in the future we plan to definitely do more.

What about conferences and trade shows, can we find your line at any of these?

Yes, at the last two ISNA conferences TAQWA IMAN had a booth in the bazaar where we created a wonderful mini shopping experience for our customers. At the bazaar, women were allowed to try on our products, sign up for our newsletter, watch the video of our fashion show, and receive a free gift just for stopping by. We also went to Canada earlier this year for MuslimFest. We always have a lot of fun at the conferences meeting our customers and acquiring new fans. We plan on participating in several more conferences and related events next year, so any woman who is attending such an event should definitely look for us. We may be there! Also, if anyone is interested in having TAQWA IMAN attend their event or participate in a fashion show, they simply have to contact us and we will surely try to be a part of it.

Obviously your line is aimed loosely at Muslim women, however your models are not the typical, traditional, perhaps stereotypical muslim women and your website doesn’t have a strong Islamic feel. Tell us a bit about your approach. Describe your target audience.

To some people’s surprise, there are many women who dress modestly who are not Muslim. There are women of various different faiths and backgrounds who believe in the beauty of modesty and dress everyday following modest guidelines. For example, some non-Muslim women completely cover their hair when going outside and there are others who have to wear dresses/skirts that cover their knees. A great example of this are the women in the reality television family the Duggars. Due to different religious beliefs, non-Muslim women may have different dress restrictions that they must abide by, yet they still face the frustrations that Muslim women face everyday when they shop. TAQWA IMAN is for them as well. Modesty is a beautiful thing that every woman should follow, so we do not exclude anyone. We are for all women and we try to create a shopping experience that reflects that. As our homepage states, we provide “Chic modest clothing for everyone”.

Do you have plans to expand your line? What can we expect from you in the future?

TAQWA IMAN definitely has plans for growth in terms of our clothing line and our brand. We can not disclose the details, but we suggest anyone who is interested to sign up to our newsletter, Facebook Fan Page, or Twitter groups. After our website, these are the first places where we announce any new exciting additions.

What sort of feedback have you gotten about your line? What has surprised you?

Almost 100% of the feedback has been positive. Many women love our styles and appreciate them and even more so when they see them close up. We have been surprised to receive orders from as far as Singapore. However, this should not have been a surprise since we ship everywhere. And we love our Singapore customers; they are so nice :)

Can you offer any advice to aspiring modest-fashion designers out there?

Patience and hard work are key.

MashaAllah thank you for your fantastic answers! I love your outlook. Finally, tell our readers who are interested how they can connect with you (website? facebook? twitter?) and what else you want us to know about Taqwa Iman.

TAQWA IMAN is about you, the modest dresser, and we can not survive nor grow without your support. There is a saying that when people experience something bad they tell everyone they know, yet when they experience something good they rarely tell anyone. If you appreciate what we are doing, please spread the word and tell your friends and family :)

Note about language: We have used the word ‘Polygyny‘ throughout the article because it more accurately describes the Islamic practice which is the allowance of more than one Wife but not more than one Husband (Polygamy on the other hand describes plural marriage of any kind) Also the sister (who will remain anonymous) has used several arabic-islamic words and phrases, I have translated most of them and intend to make a glossary of words for our readers that are not familiar with arabic-islamic terminology.

If you are a First, Third or Fourth wife who is interested in doing an anonymous interview about your experience, please contact us and tell me a bit about your story.

First jazaki Allahu khairun (may Allah reward you) for approaching me and sharing this intimate part of your life with our readers. Let’s start at the beginning, how did you come to be a second wife? Was it something you sought out or did your husband approach you?

As-Salam Alaikum. First I want to say that I am very pleased to have an interview with you about polygyny. Well, for this question, it will be a little hard to answer. The fact is that I was very much interested in him, but showed no sign. On the other hand, I am assuming he was not interested in me, or he was playing the same game and showed no sign. But, the fact was that there was a rumor that he refuses to marry anyone else who tried to because he was content with one wife. So, I just felt as a little girl with a crush which was eventually going to disappear.
One day, there was a misunderstanding in a statement I made, he took it the wrong way because that was just his desire (miraculously). I knew then he liked me back, so I suggested he goes to my Wali (male guardian) and he did the next day.

A lot of sisters question the husbands motives for marrying more than one wife. Without wanting to delve into anything too personal, what were the circumstances that led your husband to marry again?

Well, one thing I know is that he was very careful and didn’t want to marry for the wrong reasons and turned down many offers. So, to my understanding, I am assuming that children was one of the strongest issue. He has been married to his first wife for 6 years whom is older then him and they have no children and from how he is known in the community, he adores children and children adores him.

Still many sisters question the motives of a second wife, some sisters have even harshly compared second wives to mistresses. What do you have to say to those sisters?

My immediate response is to be careful what comes out of their mouths, they will be questioned about it. This is Islam. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) made it permissible. But, I strongly believe one of the reasons for such ignorance is the way some brothers go about doing it. The secrecy, the lies and deceit. Unfortunately, some of our Muslim brothers act like the people in Jahilliyah (the time of ignorance before Islam) What I mean by that, they would hide their second marriage, they would give the first wife more time and more money etc… Then, hey, what else can you call that? Alhamdullillah, I am known to be as special to my husband as his first wife is. I am no secret, he pays my rent just like he pays hers. So, my sisters, just get a brother who fears Allah to not go through feeling like a mistress.

From your point of view how do you think your husbands first wife dealt with your marriage?

Hummm!!! You see, my husband does not discuss it much. But what he did tell me once is that she was not too happy at first and refused to talk to me when I asked my husband to talk to her. I had a conversation with him on how it is his duty to make her feel secure and loved. He never really discussed that anymore and I never asked him either. What assured me that she is not ready to have a friendship with me is that she had  a nice and respectful conversation with me once but extremely brief. But her niece who comes to the Masjid pretty often shows nothing but love and kindness towards me, offers me food and hugs. I also met her sister last week who was very nice to me as well.

You’ve talked a bit about how you see your co-wife to me before and I admired what you said, how do you feel about your co-wife and what efforts have you made to reach out to her?

Like I said, at first, before we even got married, I asked if I can talk to her and her answer was no, and that she doesn’t need to talk to me. After we got married, I kept insisting to my husband. He said its best to wait for the right time, maybe when she moves to the USA.

Before my husband left to visit her overseas, I insisted on sending her money and gifts because the Prophet (sallallahu aleihi wa salam) said gift giving draws hearts together. And I did. When my husband got there, I called her cell cause my husband gave it to me for emergencies until he gets his own cell phone. She answered. She was very brief but polite like I stated earlier.

Honestly, I was hurt. Very hurt. I wanted a relationship with her, but I guess she is not allowing it or is not ready yet. I am giving up trying and maybe it will get better when she comes to the States inshaAllah (God Willing)

What were your own views and feelings on polygany before your marriage and how have they changed since?

At the beginning, I swore by Allah I would never be involved in Polygyny. All the sisters and my wali knew how firm I was about that. It happened, I don’t know why. Now, I can say that my view is a little different. If your husband is fair and everyone involved fears Allah and won’t abuse the other one regardless of the jealousy that might occur, then it is perfect. This funny thoughts come to me sometimes, (smile), that he is a real man for being able to deal with 2 women, this makes me have a lot of respect for him.
There is plenty of benefits in it. I mean, if there is a reason for it, like if a wife can’t have kids, or if a sister is old and don’t have a husband or if a sister went through some kind of crisis and needs to have a husband etc…, then I am for it. I am against it only when brothers do it for the wrong reason. When they don’t do it fisabilllah (for the sake of Allah) When they do it only just because this sister looks good (but doesn’t have Taqwa (God-consciousness)).

What are your views on the roles and duties of a husband with multiple wives?

Simple- Equal financial treatment, equal time. The husband must also be able to fulfill the sexual desire of all his wives, not ever compare them (that would be an immense mistake) and not allow disrespect between them. The heart is a different issue. You cant help who you love more even though most women wish to win first place.

Again without wanting to ask too personal of a question, I understand your co-wife is in another country at the moment and your husband divides his time as best he can. What steps does your husband take to remain fair between his wives and keep things peaceful? How do you think this will change when you are living close by?

He is trying his best. He visits her for 3 months out of the year and she is in the process of moving to the States inshaAllah. He contacts her pretty often, not that he tells me, but women are smart. And also, because he contacts me 26 days out of 30 when he visits her. He would love to have total equal time, but for now, its just not possible financially.
I really don’t care about how it will be when she moves here, the most important thing is that she makes it here so she can get as much time as I am getting. I know my husband will not make us feel any different inshAllah, he is just a good man, a true blessing from Allah. More jealousy may occur between me and her, but I know we will not harm each other. I am not too worried about that.

What do you think are the biggest issues facing polygynous families and how has your family dealt with these issues?

Each family has their own issue. I am not sure on how I would describe that. But for his family, they love me and the ones who know her loves me and her. They are truly special and caring people. Even though his mom is not 100% in love with polygyny due to her own experience, but it is coming along fine. His dad loves me.
On my family side, they are really all Christians, and Allah knows Best about my mom. She took her Shahada (declaration of faith) but does not practice. My brother’s fiancee, I told. She had no problem with it. My brother overheard a Muslim brother say that to my husband on our walimah (wedding party), he really doesn’t care either. My mother was just digging to find out what was wrong with him since in her opinion all men are dogs, asked me the question once, and of course I could not lie. I switched the subject, went to the bathroom and came back to face the same question again. After her speech, entitled, “she knew something was wrong with him and that he could not be that nice”, I explained to her that I was the one keeping it a secret and that my husband actually wanted to tell them and he really did. Now, she loves him and they probably call and text each other more then once a day even with her limitation in English. So, it worked out fine.

You mentioned jealousy to me earlier, did you know that Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) was jealous of Khadija (Allah be please with her) because she was always the most beloved to The Prophet (peace be upon him) even after her death? Jealousy is normal I am sure, a tool of shaitan (the devil) perhaps. How do you cope with it and keep it from affecting you?

(Laughing out loud). I remind myself that I have no reason to feel jealous. He gives me no reason. It just drives me crazy to think sometimes that he doesn’t love me more then her just cause my mind tells me so. I want him to love me more and out of the blue one day, he was laughing and telling me he realized all women want to be loved more after coming from visiting her. This made me think that she is feeling the same way. Its pretty funny at times. But, what counts,  he is a very nice person. He really loves my boys. He blushes when I tell him the boys say they love him. He loved them before I even imagined we were going to get married. He listens to me and cares when I am hurt. I never had that before. Right now, I am 6 months pregnant with his first child and he is very supportive and loving. He calls me precious and he once said that I am his diamond and he has to take care of it. What else do I need? Hearing that, and being treated like that, he can even love her more if he would like (smile).

MashaAllah that is wonderful! How do you think you would react to your husband taking a 3rd wife? What lessons from being a second wife do you think you could apply to that if ever faced with it?

I would NOT be happy if he takes another wife in the future. I think he should be satisfied cause I am having his kids since she couldn’t yet, so he should be satisfied. (Laughing out loud). Wrong, but that is how I feel and he laughs every time I say it by replying that I am doing the same thing his 1st wife was doing but he is not thinking about that, and Allah knows Best. But if it happens, I will respect her as I want to be respected by my co-wife and I will be patient inshaAllah but I would not encourage him at all in this matter.

There is so much I’m sure our readers would like to know, I hope I’ve asked at least some of the right questions. What advice do you have for women who may be entering into a polygynous marriage?

Do not enter a marriage thinking that you are going to take over. Its wrong. Respect your co-wife regardless how jealous you get. Be very sensitive towards her/them.  Treat your husband well and most importantly, be Patient. Verily, Allah (SWT) loves the patient and we all want Allah to love us.

Any advice for first wives and husbands considering a second wife?

Depend on the situation. If you have a good marriage and he is fair, be patient and don’t assume that he doesn’t love you. There may be a reason fisabillillah (for the sake of Allah) he is doing it. Talk to him about how you feel. Remember this world is temporary and Allah tests us all the time. Be patient. Your husband may even love you more then you can imagine.

Finally, What would you like our readers to know about your situation and others like it? What misconceptions are out there that you’d like to address?

I want everyone to know that I have never been happier with a man before. He is truly a blessing from Allah and I can’t believe I found it in polygyny. There are a lot of misconceptions, it depends on the individuals involved. If you are doing the right thing, then it helps erase misconceptions. Mistresses don’t get equal time, mistresses are not known to everyone. Islam stops all these things that put a woman down. The Prophet’s (saw) wives were treated all equally even though he loved Aisha (ra) more. And if we claim we follow Islam, we must try our best to follow his Sunnah. Stop the deceitful things.

Tell us a bit about Greeks Rethink, how it started and the work you do for the Greek Muslim Community.

It all started with a question.  Where are all the Greek Muslims? The majority of us are scattered around the world but we have a passion to connect with each other.  I started two years ago and now our website is a meeting place for people who want to learn about Greeks who have rethought life.

Do you primarily work with Muslims in Greece or Greek muslims abroad?

Our work is for Greek Muslims globally but we are aligned with the Muslim Association of Greece (www.equalsociety.com) who is the association that takes care of the national Islamic issues in Greece.

You’re a Greek Muslim revert/convert mashaAllah! Tell us a bit about your experience as a Muslim in relation to your Greek culture and heritage?

We are between East and West.  If you’ve ever watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that’s pretty accurate to who we are. :)  Greece brought a rich civilization to the world as did Islam so I enjoy being part of both.

We see a lot of abuses of Religious Freedom around the world, increasingly in Europe, what is the situation for Greek Muslims in this regard?

Greece is the only EU country without a mosque in its capital city.  With 700 000 Muslims in Athens, this is a tragedy.  The Muslim Association of Greece is working tirelessly for years to promote a positive image of Islam and Muslims in Greece.

What other sorts of issues do Muslims face in Greece?

Apart from the mosque issue, Muslims do not have a cemetery and have to ship their dead to external countries or at least eight hours away.  The hard reality is that Greece has many misconceptions towards Islam but the average Muslim neighbor enjoys friendship with the average Greek neighbor.

What sort of feedback have you gotten about your work? From the Greek state? Muslims? Non muslims?

Through the Muslim Association of Greece, we have had positive attention from major media networks globally, global Muslim networks and Greek authorities.  Even many non-Greeks have told me that they visit our website regularly.

In your experience how does the Greek culture compliment Islamic culture, what are the similarities?

Our traditional heritage and etiquettes are similar to Islamic etiquettes, not to mention great food and a rich history of thinking, reflecting and civilization.

Islam spread to much of Europe in the past, what part does Islam play in Greek history?

Islam was part of Greece for about 500 years during the Ottoman Empire period.  Today, you can still see remnants of Islam in Greece through its museums, foods and words.

What sort of goals do you have for the future of your work?

Our annual goal includes the building of five websites:

• www.greeksrethink.com (Connecting Greek Muslims)
• www.equalsociety.com (Muslim Association of Greece)
• www.ora-islam.gr (About Islam in the Greek language for Non-Muslims)
• www.islamfriends.gr (Islamic culture and civilization in the Greek language)
• Fifth website is still a secret to the public! :)

How can other organizations like yours that cater to specific ethnic groups of Muslims learn from Greeks Rethink?

If you want to run a project like Greeks Rethink, the best thing to do is to contact someone who has already done something like this and ask them a lot of questions.  Before I started, I spent six months with high-powered people just learning from them.  But to give you a few hints, try this:  think big, plan big, start small, make a team, get some business skills and make lots of dua.

Tell any Greek Muslim readers out there how they can get involved, InshaAllah?

Visit www.greeksrethink.com and introduce yourself at our forum.  Greek or not, I’m sure you’ll be intrigued by what you find at our website.