These coping tools, visual and verbal reminders and labeling of the feelings have been a huge help for Madam with coping with her anxiety, I hope through sharing this that it will help other children too inshaAllah.

Remember that this is equally as useful useful a tool for children who are not on the Autism Spectrum and do not suffer from anxiety, it is a general tool that can be used to help young kids gain control over their emotions and reactions.

Click the image to download the high resolution version. Free for personal use in the home or classroom only.

Is that normal?

A mothers natural state is guilt. Guilt that you couldn’t breastfeed exclusively or that you took pain medication at birth. Guilt that you didn’t wash those socks before you put them on your toddler. Guilt that your child had too much candy 3 days out of the last week. Guilt that you are not perfect and will inevitably damage your pure, perfect child.

Then there’s the Second Guessing. You think such and such might be best, then you wonder. You think you are noticing a behavior that is abnormal for a child this age, and then you wonder. Is that normal? Does the neighbors kid do that? All kids eat strange things at some point. All kids throw tantrums. All kids mimic Movies and imagine they are a puppy sometimes. All kids are afraid of loud noises… but not like this, this is different.

Giving it time.

If you notice something unusual about your childs behavior (that is not alarming enough to warrant immediate evaluation) it’s wise to give it time. Kids go through some strange things as they grow and develop, they often grow out of abnormal behaviors. That’s the hard thing about this sort of problem, especially when you are aware of it early on, you often just have to wait it out.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be proactive, don’t fixate on the issue, but offer natural alternatives. If the child is sensitive to temperature, allow them to wear less or more clothes as they are comfortable, allow them to choose their clothing, offer them a cool washcloth in summer if they get hot easily, offer some mittens or gloves when out if they are sensitive to cold. If the child is sensitive to loud noise, get down on their level and help them with their fear/anxiety, teach them to take deep breaths, allow them to make noise to comfort themselves, offer them a hat to cover their ears or even headphones. If the child has a need to chew, offer different textured things that are safe to chew (we use straws a lot as well as a clean washcloth and different textured teething toys – yes, even at almost 5)

Use this time to talk to others about the behavior you’ve noticed. Teachers, childcare providers, friends and family who know the child and others who have children with similar behavior. Do some reading, but again, don’t fixate and don’t allow your fears or concerns or even a diagnosis to change the way you see or behave towards your child, so they might be a little different, so you might have to treat them a little more delicately (or with more pressure even) that’s ok, the important thing is to be aware and conscious and treat them as you would any other child as far as possible.

Of course the severity of Autism Spectrum Disorders dictates exactly the approach you need to take and you have to assess that as a parent and with the childs Dr, my experience and thus advice, is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum, some of this article may not apply to the more severely affected.

When to do something.

What we went through:

Maybe it’s just a phase. She’s 3, 3 year olds are just weird by nature. We’ll give it time. I’ll offer safe alternatives. She likes to chew? I’ll give her miswak! (a type of stick used in the middle east for cleaning teeth)

Dr says a phase lasts max 6 months, after that, it’s more than a phase. She’s not growing out of this, it’s been at least 18 months since the normal age for this behavior. The miswak isn’t working anymore. A 3 year old should know better than to put glass in their mouth.

We need some outside help.

Support and Lack thereof.

Having a strong support system of people whose opinions I trust was key to getting the help needed for our daughter. I was able to bounce ideas of my sister who has a degree in early childhood development and a strong interest in Gifted children and children on the spectrum. She was able to pass on what I had told her to Special Education teachers she worked with who were able to give their take on the situation. I also had other friends and family who gave me wonderful advice and sincerity, some simply gave me support “you’re doing the right thing!” which is invaluable on it’s own.

Some family found it hard to accept the conclusions we were coming to, that too I have to respect, and even appreciate, it helps keep things in perspective, self doubt is not helpful, but questioning yourself sometimes can be. Still, it’s not easy to have to fight for the support you need from those closest to you.

Unhelpful Dr’s.

It was our family Dr who initially validated my concerns, having seen the advanced language and art skills our daughter exhibited in conjunction with the sensory sensitivities I described and the lack of eye contact she noticed as well as the anxiety from Madam that we dealt with at every Drs appointment. The Dr brought in their general psychologist to talk to us about the possible cause and significance of the things I described. I had an appointment with the 2 of them, on my own, without my daughter, and was told that I really just needed to be a firmer parent and that there was no need for further evaluation.

I was almost certainly looked at as “one of those mothers” when I mentioned strong family tendency to have spectrum traits and my family and I concluding I am almost certainly Aspergers. I was later given some important advice, keep that part to myself, at least at first.

I was given the “you can read too much, you know” line that I despise so much, and I despised it because I knew the reading had happened because of the concerns and not vice versa, no, I had not gone down that road this time.

I moved on after that, we’d do it on our own for a while, Ok it’s been over a year, but she’s small, there’s still plenty of time to outgrow these things.

Then she tried to eat some glass and chewed through a live electrical cord.

Enough was enough and I contacted the Dr to get the referral, even though the Dr wasn’t a great help in taking my concerns seriously, she lent me her ear and opinion several times and always left the decision for moving on with the evaluation or not, completely up to me. Not a bad Dr, just one who hadn’t dealt with a child like this before.

A Breakthrough.

Childrens Hospital, lovely Dr. I was listened to, heard out, validated, respected as not an but the authority on my child and not only told that I was right all along, but that I should trust my intuition because I was spot on. Most importantly, my child got to know the Dr and spend time alone with the Dr, this wasn’t all based on what I had to say.

It’s not a good feeling to hear that your child has a neurological disorder, it’s not a good thing to have fears validated. It is in the same breath, wonderful to have your intuition as a mother validated, your opinion as a mother respected and for a Dr to speak to you as a peer in your childs care.

This sort of Dr experience is unfortunately rare. It can take years and much heartache to find a Dr who is willing to work with you that way and even willing to entertain a change of opinion when you disagree with something. It is unfortunately rare to be respected and heard. We may not be called ‘refrigerator mothers’ anymore, but there is still a lot of blame defaulted onto the mothers, we are still, in many cases, guilty until proven otherwise.

Congratulations, it’s PDD-NOS!

Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not otherwise specified. In our case more than likely Aspergers but because of age, that particular label isn’t used by this particular Dr. all Dr’s or clinics approach the issue of age slightly differently.

PDD is another name for the Autism Spectrum, it’s an umbrella term for a collection of developmental disorders including Autism and Aspergers.

So now we can move on, now we can share ideas about how to help this little lady through her anxiety, sensory sensitivities and other difficulties. Now we can provide her with resources to help her better understand the world around her and make the most of the immense gifts she was given, now we can better understand her ourselves and react to her with more empathy and more productive responses to what she is experiencing.

Learn more about PDD on Wikipedia.

PDD on Childbrain.com

PDD on the Autism Society of America website.

Autism Speaks’ page on PDD-NOS

Understanding and Awareness.

Remember that the purpose of getting a diagnosis is to get help and you only need help if the behavior is affecting the child’s or family’s quality of life. If the child is quirky but there are no developmental issues, safety concerns or detrimental affects for the child or family, you may not need intervention.

What I did and what I have told other families with concerns to do, is start making a list of the behaviors that concern me (eg. chewing, sensitivity to sound), the behaviors I find unusual or significant but not necessarily a concern (eg. lining up toys, scripted talking) and lastly the gifts and talents (eg. incredibly advanced in language and art) as these are positive areas we want to build on and work with but not areas of concern. Keep an eye on the behavior, update the list every month or 2, and bring your concerns to the Dr if you feel it’s necessary.

If you don’t get the response you want, find another Dr who will listen. This doesn’t mean find one until they tell you what you want to hear, it means find one who will listen and treat you as a peer.

Autism and Aspergers are not fashion statements. They may not always be visible, but they are very real, often painfully so.

Help us raise awareness about the Autism Spectrum by wearing Blue on April 2nd, and becoming a fan of Blue Hijab Day.

”Children are a product of the influence that their parents have on them and Allah is going to ask parents about that influence on Judgment Day.” (Beshir 2007)

This is crucial in the Islamic upbringing. Parents cannot be passive. We will be held responsible for the upbringing of our children. A lot of things depend on us. How do we act as parents? Are we good examples? Do we act as we tell our children to act?

Children always have and always will look up to their parents mashaAllah and will thereby find guidance in what to do as Muslims and what to expect. How can you teach a child not to lie if the child hears you say when someone calls, that you’re not home, and yet you are? We have to be very careful about what we say and do in front of our children. They rely blindly on you to be their guide as long as they are small and that is where the foundation is being built mashaAllah.

How can you teach your children that it is obligatory to pray 5 times a day and yet you sit in front of the TV when it is time for prayer? We need to think and be aware of our actions. We will not only have to face Allah subhanahuwa ta’ala on Judgement Day and be held responsible for our own actions. If what you did affected your children in a negative way, you’ll also be held responsible for that as well.

Communication

Another thing I would like to address is the way we communicate.

Do we treat each other kindly? If you yell at your children you cannot be surprised that one day they might yell back. On the other hand if you tell them gently not to do things, then if your child one day yells or says something bad to you, you might ask “Have you ever heard me say that to you?” and thereby the child will gain the experience – provided by a good example – not to do so.

Behavior

All mums who’ve had children in daycare will at some point experience that the child brings some negative behavior back home. It might be hitting for instance and that needs to be addressed right away. Firmly remove the child’s hand and explain, with the age of the child in mind, that we do not hit each other. We have been blessed with a mouth to speak and so we can tell the other one why we are angry. That way the two can come to a peaceful solution inshaAllah.

Admit your mistakes

Another thing I find very important to stress is that we admit when we have made a mistake. Do not be afraid to say “I’m sorry” to your child if you yelled or the like. The child will admire you and will learn that it is ok to make mistakes but we are still being loved for whom we are mashaAllah. You might say “I don’t like what you did (hitting your sister), but I still love you.” That way you show that it is the action you disapprove of and not the child. We have to remember that to err is human.

What’s your story?

I have 2 children, my youngest (a boy) is 2. My eldest (a girl) is 4.5 years, we are in the process of having her evaluated for PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder), so far we’ve been told she more than likely does have a form of PDD. We’ve had 1 of 3 appointments after which we’ll be given the final diagnosis and go from there. I’ve chosen to keep the details of this private for the most part simply because it’s such a delicate and intricate issue, it’s very personal and honestly there is so much judgment passed on mothers, I don’t want to deal with that and i’m more confident when I’m not trying to explain it all to every next person. The natural self doubt of a mother is enough for me.

How did you know this was the right thing to do?

As a mother, I saw a need in my child and things that concerned me, I discussed these things with others whose opinions I value (some who are qualified early childhood teachers), I prayed, I went back and forth, I doubted myself, I discussed it with the Dr and a General Psychologist who told me that I needed to be more firm in my parenting, more self doubt, more discussing with others, waiting and seeing, more concern and one day after a particularly frightening incident I decided for the safety of my child and her long term well being, I was going to go forward with an evaluation, against the recommendations of the Dr.

If I got nothing else out of an evaluation, I would at least get some peace of mind. If they told me there’s nothing at all wrong with her, I would have a slight breakdown, then I would know to push on with our own coping methods and ways of helping her cope, be more creative with these approaches and wait for it to be outgrown (and/or get a second opinion). If they told me that there was something to my concern, I would have new found trust in my motherly instincts and I would have the first step in finding ways to help my beautiful, perfect little girl, deal better with the world around her.

I’ve been praised for my parenting by several people (including the evaluating Dr, that was extremely validating) but, i’ve also been criticized (who hasn’t?). I attribute all the good of course first to Allah, and then to my mother who taught me everything I know about being a mother and most certainly to my children, who are just perfectly themselves.

To me, healthy parenting is conscious parenting, regardless of what approach you take to raising kids. It requires you to be: Positive, Emotive, Honest and Aware. These four things are keys to what has helped me in parenting my delightfully normal and easy child and my beautifully different and difficult child (both of whom are outstanding little people and adored by many, no bias at all *wink*)

Positive.

If children are given too much negative feedback, they switch off. Tell a child ‘No’ enough and they will start to ignore it.  If someone were to constantly give you negative feedback, you would start to react negatively to that, whether internally or externally or both, children are no different.

Focus on the positive. If your child has shredded a piece of paper all over the lounge floor, and then picked them up as soon as you asked, start with the positive ‘Thank you for listening and picking up the paper when I asked’ and if you feel a punishment is in order, continue with that after acknowledging the positive. One thing I often say to my children is “You’ve been so lovely all day today, let’s not stop that now.”

Try to find ways around using negative words. For example instead of “Don’t hit the cat!” you could say “Be gentle with the cat!” In our house we don’t have a ‘Naughty Corner’ we have ‘Quiet time in your room’ it won’t work for all kids, but it has worked out well for us, they understand that they are going for quiet time (door closed) because they are misbehaving and not listening, and they don’t like it, but it works more often than not. Once they come out of the room, I get down to their level, discuss with them why they were there (first ask if they can tell me, then explain why) and then there are cuddles and encouragement to do better and they are sent off on their merry way.

Positive reinforcement, Positive reinforcement, Positive reinforcement. Give plenty of praise and always have it outweigh the negative. Things like ‘You’re doing a great job cleaning up your room, not much to go, well done!’ and ‘You’ve been a very good girl/boy today, I really appreciate that, thank you!’ and ‘No sticker on the chart today because you had an accident, let’s try again tomorrow.’

Remember that our job is to teach them and not to enforce rules upon them, thinking about rules, boundaries and punishments this way will put it all in a whole new light.

Emotive.

Feelings are a complicated thing, it’s up to us as parents to help our children understand what their feelings mean and what they can do with them. The old saying ‘Lead by example’ is never truer than when you are a parent.

You get angry, and it is perfectly healthy, perfectly normal and beneficial for your children to see your anger. I, of course, mean this in a healthy way, it is not healthy for your children to see you behaving aggressively or inappropriately when you are angry but the feeling of anger in and of itself is not an unhealthy thing.

When your children do something dangerous, it is beneficial for them that they see your fear. Seeing/hearing the fear when they do something like run out on the road or touch something dangerous, will often scare them enough alone that they will remember it and understand the danger without anything else.

Our daughter has some trouble expressing her emotions appropriately and so we have the ‘Your Emotions‘ childrens books series written by Brian Moses (I feel Frightened, I feel Angry, I feel Sad and I feel Jealous) it has been a huge help to her in understanding her emotions and (sometimes) finding appropriate ways to deal with them. I highly recommend this series.

The bottom line is, it’s not healthy or beneficial for your children for you to conceal your feelings or emotions from them entirely and explain things in an unnaturally calm tone to them all of the time just as it’s not healthy or beneficial for them to show your feelings in excess (Sad, Angry, Afraid are healthy, Depressed, Aggressive, Anxious are not). They need to see and hear the emotion and feeling in you in order to better understand you and themselves.

Honest.

This is true of the above ‘Emotive’ and it is true in general. If your child asks you a question, and you don’t know the answer, instead of telling them something that may not be accurate or that may even be completely made up, you could tell them ‘I don’t know! Let’s find out together’. Google is a household word for us, Mama is not a walking encyclopedia and so we will often Google if we want to learn about something.

Be honest with them about your feelings. It’s Ok to say things like ‘I’m sorry i’m in such a bad mood today! I’m not upset at you.’ or ‘I am sorry that I yelled at you for that, I didn’t mean to react that way, it’s ok if you shred paper sometimes, but please make sure you show me the paper first and clean up afterward’

It’s Ok to say ‘I’m sorry’ because you make mistakes too and they need to know that and it’s Ok to say ‘Thank you’ because they need to know they are appreciated and that what they do matters. Our children have feelings too, and it’s important for us to acknowledge that, come down to their level and give them some respect.

Of course, what you say to a child should be age appropriate, short and sweet is best for smaller ones. At any age it’s important to be completely honest and adjust the detail according to age and awareness. One important thing to remember is, children know and understand a lot more than we think. This is also important for the above ‘Emotive’ tip. I’ve always spoken to my children in big words, if necessary I will explain the big words i’ve used but often, they will pick up the meaning from the rest of what i’m saying.

Remember, our children learn from our actions and words not only about who we are but about themselves. Do not underestimate them and what they understand of both spoken and unspoken.

Aware.

Awareness is my key word for everything in life, not least for parenting.

Remaining aware (My mother calls it conscious) of our actions and how they affect our children will help to keep us from reacting in an unhealthy way for them and for us. Being aware that no-one is perfect and that includes you, will help us to give ourselves a break when we do overreact and will help us to say ‘I’m sorry’ when we need to.

Being aware of how our children are behaving and reacting to what we say and do, and being aware of what they themselves are saying and doing (and yes, it’s your job to eavesdrop on them sometimes, especially when they are little) will help ensure that you are in tune with them and will notice any changes or anything that might be affecting them in a negative way.

You as a mother have a special inbuilt instinct given to you by Allah (God) it’s called intuition and you need to trust it, it doesn’t work the same in everyone, and in some people it doesn’t work at all, but if you are conscious and aware in your parenting, be sure that you know your child better than anyone else, and be sure that they too, know you.

Of course, there is a lot more to being a parent than what i’ve talked about here and no two situations are the same, but these things are what I consider some of the most important parts of the healthy parent and child relationship.