Have you ever been so caught up in a movie or T.V. show that you missed your prayer? Maybe you thought to yourself, okay I have about a hour until Mahgrib and before you know it, you missed the prayer. I truly believe these tools are designed to make us lose focus on what is important

Have you ever logged in to facebook to check your email and two hours later you answered everyones status message and hit the reload three or four times to see if anything has changed, and while the status and responses may have changed, your house still looks the same…a mess in the corner and food not cooked.

Have you ever heard the alarm ring but you ignored it and turned over, or stopped it and told yourself 10 more minutes?

As a mom of four, one on the way, wife and homeschooler there is a lot on my plate but then when I add I help in maintaining two blogs, two  facebook pages, write articles for other awesome sites such as Muslimas Oasis, and write an on going monthly parenting column for MB Muslima Magazine.. I must say I know what distractions are like! Sometimes I can be easily side tracked by parenting questions on facebook, or the latest inspired blog post.  Often times I have to check myself on what I should be doing over what is not necessary at the moment.

Do you find yourself using the words “Okay  after this post I’m going too…” “Next commercial I will…”  ”In 10 more mins…”

I hear the call to T.V shows being announced more than the call to prayer! “Fear factor at 8…” “X Factor….” while we are too busy watching  X Factor we are X-ing out all the important matters and checking off the things that distract us from what matters. What can we do about it? You don’t have to give up your luxuries but you can put them in perspective.

• Organization- Yes put your priorities in order. If you have a show that comes on 8 then you should have everything completed by then. Simple but true. Make sure you do not delay your salat and once all the important matters are completed you will find you have less on your back and less piled up
• Remember Allah- prayer is better than sleep. Set and alarm, have a friend call in, do what it takes to get up for prayer in the morning and continue to stay up for the day. You can get more done before 10 a.m. than those who wake up at 10 a.m. Your day will be smooth because you are ahead and not behind
• Record your shows- Don’t want to miss a beat? InshaAllah record those programs  and program your TV in advance (if you can)
• Remember your family- X Factor does not get things done at home, we have priorities and we have to remember when we are behind or heedless our family is harmed by it
• Sacrifice- sometimes you just have to fight yourself and not log in when you should be cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, or praying. We have to really fight ourselves with not putting our desires before important matters. This takes some time and sincere attempts. Always remember to ask Allah to make you stronger even against fighting your nafs.

There is a difference between the moms who get the job done and the ones who fall behind in everything. As soon as I realized that I am not alone in this remarkable role called motherhood, I began to look at other moms who are accomplishing a lot but keeping it all together. They became my inspiration, and my counsel. Here are the myths and facts for us moms.

Myth: Every Mom Has It All Together Except You.

Fact: Not every mom has a perfect day but some mom’s handle it better than others. While it appears they have perfect days, the fact of the matter is no one has a perfect day, every day , all day –where nothing goes wrong. Those moms who look like they have perfect days, know how to handle the bumps and problems that come along in their day. Those moms do not let life’s hang up, make them hang up their apron and sulk and complain. No, they have a positive attitude and make the best of the situation, not let the situation get the best of them.

Myth: You aren’t made for this job.

Fact: Allah blessed us with this special role and some women may never experience this wonderful role called motherhood. We need to look at all our duties as blessings and not burdens. I remember hearing Dr. Wayne Dyer saying in his talk one day, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” So instead of saying “Oh God, I have to change your pamper again!” say “Alhamdulilah I get to change my son’s pamper.” there is a different feeling and different energy behind it. One is done with regret and the other is done with love. Look at your job in a loving way. You were entrusted with precious gifts from Allah, what better way to treat this responsibility if not with love?

Myth: I’m not a good mom

Fact: The fact you want to become better is a start to becoming a better mom. You are a good mom, your heart is inclined to give your family the best and because you feel as though you are not doing well in the task shows your heart is in the right place and it is only a matter of turning to Allah and sincerely asking Allah to better your situation. Ask Allah to send those your way who can be a source of comfort and inspiration. We all have our “I’m not a good mom” moments but don’t live in that moment. Snap back to reality, because that feeling does not get the job done, it doesn’t make you feel good, it doesn’t fold laundry and it just brings you down and everyone else around you.

Let’s face the facts and turn our backs on the myths. Let’s take care of our families with love and gratitude and not with frustration and regret. At the end of the day, go to bed knowing you are striving to do your best and pray that with each day that passes you get better and better. Pray that when you feel overwhelmed you handle it with grace and always take time out to regroup and then get back into the day. No mom is perfect, we all work hard and inshaAllah we pray in the end our Lord rewards us for our dedication and loving work.

You’re feeling the signs, could you be, could you not be? Then you see those two lines and its confirmed that for the next 9 months you’ll be awaiting that new addition to your family.

For many mothers out there they won’t be meeting their baby until they get to the gates of jannah.

Muadh (Radhiallahu Anhu – May God be pleased with him) narrates from the Prophet  (peace be upon him) that ‘Muslims do not lose three children except that Allah will cause the two parents to enter Paradise through the favour of His mercy towards them.’ They said, ‘What about two, Oh Messenger of Allah’ He said, ‘Two also.’ They said, ‘And one?” He said, ‘Even the miscarried child will indeed drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise.

For many mothers who have been in the same situation as I have, then you have dealt with the loss of a baby, a pregnancy that was not meant to continue.

One day those lines came confirming what  we thought would an exciting 9 months of is it a girl or boy? Wow another baby Alhamdulilah! For over a period of time there was constant pain and something was just not right. As much as I dreaded going to the doctor this was an issue that could not wait.  I sat waiting for the lady in the ultrasound room to make a face or something so I could read what she was thinking. Like a statue or guard holding the worlds biggest secret she did not show or say anything. I waited patiently until the doctor came and he gave me news that my pregnancy was no longer and thus I had to have surgery to remove what I thought was to be my child!

My heart sank at the news and I was scheduled for surgery the following week. SubhanAllah in all my 28 years I never had surgery and was not only heart broken by my loss but scared to be put to sleep and having surgery. Alhamdulilah I went through the procedure but afterwards I was a mixture of emotions. I felt this article is necessary for other mothers to learn how to cope with the loss of a baby.

What You Can Do:

1. Support- Thank Allah for my sensitive  husband at that difficult time. Some women want to be alone and some want comfort. Support is always needed in either direction you chose. My husband, he took extra care of the children so I could have time to myself to think and rest. Family and friends around makes the process easier as they will give you your space but make sure that everything else is taken care of.
2. Duaa (Supplication)- At this time you are not able to make salat, but you can make duaa to your Lord to give you ease and comfort. Accept the fact that Allah gives the real confirmation on whether something is meant to be or not, and not the pregnancy test we put all our hope in. Making much duaa and turning to Allah can soften the heart. Some women go into the “Why me?” mode and while there are many reasons one could have miscarried, it would be to no end questioning all the reasons your pregnancy did not continue. Allah knows best and He gives ease and we must simply turn to our Lord, not away.
3. Cry- some women need to cry about it and release that frustration of hurt and disappointment inside. There is nothing wrong with crying, and if you need to do that to move on, by all means take a minute and shed a tear or two. After all this is an experience that can really be heavy on the heart.
4. Talk about it-  Yes, this is important. It is not healthy to hold feelings inside and allowing it to eat at you. Talk to Allah, and talk to the loved ones Allah has sent in your life. It really helped me to be able to be open to my husband, after all he was experiencing this as well. Talk to women who have been through the similar experience. I reached out to family and they comforted me in their words and showed they care.
5. Keep optimistic- Know that many women experience miscarriages and go on to have many healthy and safe pregnancies.  After my first miscarriage Allah blessed me with three boys back to back and with this recent miscarriage I know my Lord does everything for a reason and if He wills it, I will have another child. If you have children already be thankful for the one or ones you have and know that our Lord knows best and we do not.
6. Read- Alhamdulilah Allah is Merciful and He rewards the women who go through this hardship and test. There are hadith on women who miscarry and also for those who are patient in this life.

Allah says “Those who endure with patience will be rewarded abundantly.” (39:10)

Everything is a test from Allah and how we respond is what matters. Do not despair and have problems with what Allah has decreed.  I ask Allah to give those who have and are experiencing this, ease and comfort and that He makes us bear our trials in the best way ameen

This show had a lot of conversation on the topic of children and learning delays, Autism, and when a mother gets a red light. One of the many points she mentioned on the show really stood out to me. Trusting your instinct when it comes to our children. As a mother, Allah blesses us with this special kind of mom radar, and other moms know what I mean, but you can tell when something is not right or when you may need to do something  better for your child. Sometimes as a mom you just KNOW. The part many mothers struggle with is when to act on those feelings.

My husband and I were having a conversation one day, and the boys were playing in their room, or so we thought! I told my husband that its too quiet and to go check on the boys and that I thought they were up to something. Sure enough, before he could get down the steps my two year old was coming up the steps covered in baby powder from head to toe!! He looked like a little Muslim casper. I went down the steps and in the living room, it was white as snow.  We have these feelings for a reason we need to work on mastering them and knowing how to respond.

As moms we have to be tuned into our children, it is better to be safe than sorry. If you notice changes in your child’s behavior and you think it’s more than normal then you should make note of those changes and take the necessary steps to find out whats going on.

Each moment and second is very important and if other people are telling you that you’re worrying for nothing, or its not a big deal, stop them and assess the situation yourself. You know your child better than those who are on the outside. While they can offer a perspective from their view, it may not be as accurate as yours. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. By not addressing this situation will it harm my child in any way?
2. Am I over reacting or under reacting?
3. Is this a phase or abnormal behavior?

Next, if the issue is one that needs a deeper look than consult those who know about the particular issue. See if there is a cause for addressing the situation. Some mothers over react and some do not react at all, we must learn  when we must step in and when to stay out (of the situation and not make it more than what it is). MashaAllah it is a blessing this thing we have called intuition and I am sure many moms have followed their instinct and it may have saved their child in more than one way.

Do not be afraid to address the concerns you may have about your child. Speak up. You cannot fix any issues or problems in silence, and if you do not speak up how will you get the help your child may need? TMI, trust your motherly intuition that maternal bond and if you aren’t there yet because some women claim that its not in them, then that is something you have to work on.  For those who have that, trust it and it can be the difference in your life and your child’s life.

I was in the kitchen cooking for the children. As we all know these summer days are pretty hot so we have to leave the window open! It is almost a dreaded action with its consequences. People walk by the window some days saying all kinds of indecent immoral things. If someone walking down the street is not yelling rudely and unnecessarily at their children, there is a domestic scene, or people saying all kinds of obscenities.

Where have our morals gone!? We must ask ourselves how can we change this.

I’m pushing my double stroller, with three children in it (hey we make it work!) down the street and adults are swearing as we pass by. SubhanAllah there was a time where people did not say swear words when they saw children coming, they waited until they were not around. Nowadays people will smoke near your child, swear, and they are not conscious!

This is a call to wake up!

As Muslims we know that we must live as if we see Allah and know that we cant but verily He sees us. When we think we are not being seen, Allah is always aware of what we hide and what we reveal. I say this because if we do not respect that children are present and even adults like myself who do not want to hear half of the things people say, then we must respect the fact that our Lord is present and be much more God conscious. If we keep this in mind as we live our daily life, we would be more inclined to live a decent life. We would treat others with respect, mercy, and know that our Lord is aware every second of our day.

Wouldn’t the world be a much better place? We can do this, one person at a time.

Our relationships with our spouses and children would be much better, once we turn on our God conscious mindset. We have heard people say well if you can’t say Bismillah (In the name of God) before it, then most likely you shouldn’t be doing it. Let’s take it a step further and say if you are about to say or do something and you could see your Lord, would you still do it? We should ask ourselves this question before saying or doing anything. A lot of us would probably not say and do a lot of things based off this logical and spiritual reasoning.

What can turning on a God conscious mindset get you?

The rewards are now and in the hereafter, here’s a few benefits of having a God Conscious mind set:

1. You will see positive changes in your life.
2. You will be living a life that is acceptable to God, and pleasing Allah is more important than anyone else.
3. Your presence around others will breed the same kind of thinking and will influence them in a positive way.
4. Not only would you influence others, but be an excellent example for our children.
5. Negative energy is draining. mentally, physically and spiritually, what do you think the opposite will do?
6. Life is too short and death is inevitable, what will we take with us when we go? An account of good deeds, always remembering God or that unconscious behavior? Be aware each day is taken into account.
7. Making positive deposits in your personal relationships, healthy marriages all based on the reminder that your Creator is ever aware.
8. The world needs it!
9. Your heart needs it!
10. and Allah is pleased with it.. enough said ;)

If we treat our children or behave in a way that is similar as the impersonal, robotic. and uncaring environment as some school systems, then what is the point in homeschooling? Our job is to provide an environment that is kind and loving. We are to nurture our children’s spiritual, physical and mental growth.. not stifle it. This is part of our role.

Some of us moms tend to go to the extreme. We all had our moments of frustration but how we handle it is the issue. We want our children to be the best in all that they do and while we have good intentions, some parents go beyond, which has the opposite effect on our children. Some moms fall into the military mom personality, they become so stern and rough they end up doing more harm than good. Are we raising our voice too much, pushing our children beyond what they are capable of at the moment? If so we must stop and reflect, go back to why we intended to homeschool in the first place. Where are the frustrations derived from? Unrealistic goals of perfection? Projection of what we want for ourselves? Or a case of good intentions, wrong actions? Either way we must reflect and change our thinking.

1. Intentions- Check your intentions at the door, literally. Before you step into the kitchen or where ever you homeschool, think: What am I looking to accomplish today? Why do I want to accomplish it? Having the right niyah (intention) is important. Also make the intent to give your child the best for the right reasons.
2. Cross Off Comparisons- Your child is not little Musa across the street writing novels, or like little Jamilah doing square roots at the age of 4. Your child is unique and should be handled as such. Some mothers frustrations lie in the fact that they secretly or openly beat themselves up because their child is not like someone elses child. This is also coveting, wanting something or wishing it belonged to you instead. You can never prosper homeschooling with this mentality. Not only does it not work, it does not benefit you or your children.
3. PMA- Positive Mental Attitude- Have postive thoughts on your homeschooling and know that you have made a great decision. Feel honored and blessed to be in such a position, as many women may not have the chance or won’t embrace it. Do not think less of yourself or feel you are not a good teacher to your child. We are the FIRST teacher to our children, who else can provide the loving, warm, kind and fun environment that a mother can provide?
4. Celebrate Accomplishments- Yours and your childs. Yes YOURS, along with that PMA, it does not hurt to say to yourself that ”I can do this beithnillah (with the permission of Allah)!” When your child does well with their lesson, congratulate them and feel good that you had a part in that! There is so much to celebrate that there is no time to feel the opposite. Celebrating what you and your child are doing together, really melts the ice of hardness and promotes closeness and a peaceful relationship. Its okay to want the best for your child. Our role as women as parents is to make sure they are getting the best, at our best.

Our job is to cultivate their spirits, not break them. Let’s use each precious moment to make wonderful memories. This job isn’t easy but its very rewarding, with perks beyond our imagination!

When I was deciding on a husband, one of my criteria was that my spouse be the kind of guy who’d never hit me. A calm temperament was absolutely essential. My husband claims I had low standards. “Wouldn’t you expect personal safety in any marriage?” He teased. Growing up in India in the 90′s, news reports of brides being torched to death by their in-laws for bringing an insufficient dowry and maids being slapped around by their drunken spouses were commonplace. Alas, marital violence really wasn’t something unheard of.

Last week, with Aasiya Hassan’s frightful beheading at the hands of her husband, Founder and CEO of Bridges TV, my fear seemed reasonable once again. My South Asian community is in shock. Blogs are abuzz claiming that this is yet another example of how barbaric Muslims are and how my kind shouldn’t be allowed into the USA — Their venomous rantings leap off the screen.

Anger rises in my chest. Aasiya Hassan’s murder is not about Muslims or Pakistanis or South Asians. It’s about domestic violence. Each day, more than 600 families call the National Domestic Violence Hotline in America. They all can’t possibly be Muslim, can they? Why don’t people focus on the issue, instead of making this about ethnicity and religion? I want to scream.

Domestic violence happens among American Christians, American Jews, American Atheists, as much as it happens in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh or among American Muslims. I could roll statistics off my tongue, but even as I recall those numbers I know I harbor a dirty secret. Aasiya Hassan’s murder is not about the teachings of our faiths, but it is about the way that many, in both the Muslim and Hindu communities, treat domestic violence.

Yes it’s true that domestic violence cuts across all barriers. But, we as a community are guilty of averting our eyes, labeling domestic violence a “personal” problem, advising our girls to be “patient” and “work it out”. Leaders in the community, especially women leaders, lecture women ad nauseam on the values of covering up a husband’s faults. We teach our daughters that some marriage is better than no marriage. Muzzamil Hassan had been divorced twice before, both times on the grounds of domestic violence. Was there no one in the Muslim community who could have spoken up to warn Aasiya ? Or, like some parents, were Aasiya Hassan’s folks just eager to get a daughter off their hands.

When South Asian women do muster the courage to complain of abuse, they are not always believed, or they find they don’t have their family’s support. Some learn that they are bringing shame to their parents and families. Even educated, earning women are taught to fear what society will say, and are told to worry that their children will be seen as offspring of a broken home. Self-sacrifice and martyrdom are glorified.

Watching Changeling, I couldn’t help but think how one mother’s heartbreak eventually led to so many positive changes. Aasiya Hassan’s murder is horrific, but perhaps her story will give our community reason for pause and encourage countless other women to journey out of violence.

Ms. Naazish YarKhan is an editor and writer, living in Glendale Heights. Her by-line has appeared in over 31 publications including the Chicago Tribune, and her commentaries have aired on NPR and Chicago Public Radio. She has completed work on her first novel.

Originally published March 3, 2009 on The Huffington Post.

Some time ago I was reading a blog post where someone was talking about being tired of Gandhi being put on a pedestal, that he was actually racist and nationalistic. Now I’m not going to pretend to know enough about Ghandi’s motives or beliefs to say what I think of that but someone commented that they were uncomfortable “whenever anyone is deified”. Poignant comment I thought. Indeed, we should all be extremely uncomfortable with this.

It’s important we learn from historical figures, but we should learn about them and their greatness – for whatever reason – in their humanness. In the same vein I believe we should learn about vilified historic figures on a more human level. I’m uncomfortable with people being remembered as more than or less than human, whatever great or horror they have been responsible for.

Take Hitler for an obvious example. He wasn’t some sub or super human man capable of unspeakable things beyond human capability. He was a human, he did unspeakable things and had others do these things with him that were completely within the human capability -as horrifying as that sounds- when we realize that and acknowledge it (not just of Hitler or of negative figures but of all historical figures) maybe we can begin to understand ourselves, our society and how to prevent these sorts of things happening again or these sorts of people affecting so many in such a bad and lasting way – although with the current world climate – not naming any names – I’m not feeling optimistic.

But what happened was inhuman!

Unfortunately, no, it was tragically human.

After WWII Stanley Milgram wanted to find out why Nazi soldiers followed the orders to carry out Hitlers horrors. He did a study to see how far an average person would go in inflicting pain (electric shocks at increasing strengths) on a heard but not seen person on the order of an Authority figure (in this case Milgram, the man running the experiment).

If the study subject expressed a desire to quit administering the shocks, the experimenter would prod four times:

1. Please continue.
2. The experiment requires that you continue.
3. It is absolutely essential that you continue.
4. You have no other choice, you must go on.

If, after four prods, the subject still refused to administer the shock, the experiment was over.

In his initial study, though all participants at some point required prodding, 65 percent of people (26 out of 40) continued to submit the stranger to electric shocks all the way up to (a fake) 450-volts, a dose that was identified as fatal and was administered after the screaming turned to silence.

Quote from Sociological Images who recently posted the original recruitment flier for that experiment.

Sociopathic but “Normal”

Then there’s the recent post Sociological Images did on a study by Neuroscientist James Fallon. Fallon specializes in Sociopaths and has been studying them for 20 years.

His research had demonstrated that sociopath brains have a distinct appearance: dark patches in the orbital cortex, the part of the brain responsible for moral thinking and controlling impulses.

Fallons Mother recently mentioned that there were some seriously violent people in their family tree.

Because Fallon knows that the atypical neurology associated with sociopaths runs in families, he decided to scan the brains of all his family members.  No one had the dark patches.

Except him…

Not only did he have the neurology of a typical sociopath, he also carried a genetic determinant known to be associated with extreme violence.

Sociological Images goes on to say Fallon doesn’t know why he isn’t a sociopath, scientists believe that there needs to be an experiential trigger. So being a sociopath is genetic, neurological and experiential (so, triggered by an experience, like Abuse for example).

Study after study show we’re all human

There are numerous studies showing that it is very human to be capable of treating our fellow human beings less than, to the highest degree of discrimination and violence, in the right (or wrong) environment.

The 1968 A Class Divided Racial discrimination experiment.

Jane Elliott is an American teacher and anti-racism activist. With no formal training in psychology, she created the famous “blue-eyed/brown-eyed” exercise, first done with grade school children in the 1960s, and which later became the basis for her career in diversity training.

The 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment

At this point it became clear that we had to end the study. We had created an overwhelmingly powerful situation — a situation in which prisoners were withdrawing and behaving in pathological ways, and in which some of the guards were behaving sadistically.

This should make it abundantly clear that learning about and understanding historical figures – be they tragic or heroic – in a human context is necessary to understanding ourselves and our own capabilities and either allowing ourselves our full potential, or keeping ourselves in check.

Even the Prophet (peace be upon him) was human! Of course, there’s a difference between Prophets and the rest of us and they deserve the pedestal and our reverence, but the fact remains, they are human, no more and no less and forgetting that is how people get to the point of practicing shirk (worshiping partners with God). A’audhubillahi (I seek refuge with God).

Historic Significance

Learning about people in history on a more human level would do a lot for understanding society and the issues and divides within it. Perhaps even enabling us to come to some sort of understanding between the writers of history and those whose history is sorely under-represented – or untold.

Learning about the great things people have done gives us a look at the potential in all of us, the things we should teach our children they are capable of. Looking at the flaws in these people reminds us that we are all human, and making mistakes and being imperfect, does not affect our ability for greater good.

Likewise, learning about the tragic figures in history can teach us how to prevent these things happening to individuals, what might lead an individual to that point, and indeed, in the case of Hitler and many others, how to prevent horrors from happening at the hands of these damaged individuals. Learning about their likes and talents will remind us that even those who do awful things, are still human, and capable of good and worth something to someone.

It all reminds us of the human capability, that we too have the capacity for great things and awful things.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” (Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 624)

May Allah increase the good in us and prevent us from the bad.

It may surprise you to know that despite this practice of eating together being an important Sunnah of our religion, my family continues to do this MORE than many Muslim families do today. When you consider that eating together like this is a recommendation from our Prophet s.a.w, it may surprise you even more to know that my family who do this, are not Muslim.

In today’s society the family unit has become increasingly disintegrated and disjointed. This lack of ‘family time’ and structure to family life contributes to many of the problems we see in our world – including truancy, crime, gang life, drug and alcohol abuse, violence, promiscuity and underage sex. You may be thinking “ but we are Muslims, we don’t do these things!” Not so I am afraid. What is true is that Muslims and everyone else in this world SHOULD not be doing these things. As an Ummah we should not be naïve to assume that we are perfect or not plagued by these issues – we are. A high proportion of today’s prison inmates are Muslim. A growing proportion of our youth are drinking, dabbling and dealing in drugs and becoming increasingly promiscuous. We are becoming victims to violence, abuse, anger and lack of respect. We can deny it until we are blue in the face but the statistics speak for themselves.

A great deal of these problems are due to a lack of instruction and teaching of our religion to our teenagers but without a proper family unit to be part of and to come home to, our teenagers are not developing a feeling of worth about being our sons or daughters and are fast losing their respect for elders.

Allah s.w.t cares about us which is why He revealed the Qur’an to us. He also knows all things about us as individuals and as a race and He knows what we are capable of doing to ourselves. The importance of the family unit and how we should care about one another both in this life and the next, is emphasized with the ultimate consequences that we can face:

‘”Oh you who have believed, save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels, stern (and) severe, who do not disobey Allah in what He orders them and (who) do (precisely) what they are commanded.”
[Qur'an, Surah At-Tahrim 66 -6]

If you feel that your family daily life is disjointed and without worthwhile time and interest in one another, you are probably right. By worthwhile time together I don’t mean just sleeping in the same house or lounging in front of the television, I mean proper daily time spent together talking and paying attention to each other’s lives and needs.

So what will we do about this?? Well whether we work or study or run the household, there are 2 things as humans that we ALL do: sleeping and eating!! The favorite past-times of many of us no less! But seeing as I’m not going to recommend that you all pile into one bed at night, the simplest solution to beginning to re-structure the family unit comes in the form of a table, some chairs, plates and food.

The practice of eating together is a Sunnah – meaning it is from the example of the Prophet s.a.w. and is a highly recommended practice for every family and every person. Sitting down together at least once a day enables us to interact with one another, to share the blessing of the food we have been given and to begin to repair the problems plaguing our society. You may be thinking that surely I’m not suggesting eating dinner together will suddenly cure gang culture and crime – no I’m not! But what I am saying is that if we invested more time in one another with small baby steps, then our babies would not grow up so ahead of themselves and so headed for destruction.

Allah s.w.t tells us in the Qur’an, his direct word to us:

“The Life of this world is but play and amusement,
and the abode of the Hereafter is best for those who fear (Allah).”
[Qur'an Al-An'am 6:32]

So we should take heed of this. This is a stark warning as to how our distractions of daily life – be it the X-Box, Playstation, Internet, television, social life or any other such thing is but ONLY an amusement – amusement meaning something that feels good, is enjoyable but has no essential benefit to us.

If your children, husband, brother, sister, mother or father is too distracted to sit down and eat with the rest of the household then this has to stop. Parents need to take the lead in the household and instill rules for meal time that means that they regain the much needed authority in the home.

In the following hadith we can see clear instruction on the benefits of dining together. Some of the Prophet s.a.w’ s companions complained once that they ate but were not satisfied. The Prophet (S) said, “Perhaps you eat separately.” They said, “Yes.” He said, “If you gather together and mention Allah’s name, you will be blessed in it.” (Abu Dawud)

You may be thinking that how on earth are you going to get everyone to sit down and eat properly together? Well unsurprisingly Islam also has advice on this of course:

“I was a boy under the care of Allah’s Apostle and my hand used to go around the dish while I was eating. So the Prophet (SAW) said to me, -O boy! Mention the Name of Allah (Bismillah) and eat with your right hand, and eat of the dish what is nearer to you.” Since then I have applied those instructions when eating.” (Bukhari)

Ok so this is the first thing to establish – eating practice according to the Sunnah with remembrance of Allah s.w.t. Without this remembrance, our actions will be empty and fruitless, no matter how hard we try to pretend otherwise. If we are to fix the family in our society, then we need to do this with Allah s.w.t in mind.

But hang on a minute, eating according to the Sunnah is all very well if you manage to get everyone at the table – but what if getting everyone together in one place at the same time is near on mission impossible? The following tips and rules will help to rectify the problem with a bit of patience and perseverance.

# 1 : Be clear. This means as a parent especially, the new rule you instill in your household of everyone eating dinner together needs to be communicated to everyone clearly and with positive explanation. It also needs to be non-negotiable. This means not budging, caving or weakening with any excuses thrown at you and on this note, take us nicely on to:

# 2: NOT cooking different meals for different people and indulging whims and desires. If hubby says he wants a good ol’ curry, little miss wants pizza and your youngest wants fish fingers – do NOT cook them all! As a wife or mother or daughter, the majority of the cooking in a household can often fall to us. But you aren’t a chef and your home isn’t a drive-thru restaurant! If you are cooking the family meal, ask everyone what they would like to all eat, decide upon something and cook that and nothing else. If someone wants something else, then they need to cook it themselves (which they probably won’t!) or eat what they are given. By cooking a number of different meals in one go, this often results in food being ready at different times and people eating at different times and in children in particular can result in spoilt behavior, self-indulgence and food fussiness.

# 3: Turn off the electronic distractions! This means TV, internet, laptop, and X-Box are OFF at dinner time and not turned on again until after the meal is over. And the phone – oh my Lord the telephone, that wonderful invention….if it rings during the meal, do NOT get up and answer it and do not respond to that text message! It is simply not necessary and everyone’s attention should be on the people right in front of them and not on those at the other end of a line. If it’s an emergency, whoever is ringing you will leave a message or call back – otherwise, they can wait. Meal time is family time.

If your child refuses to turn off the television or games console, remind them they can catch up with whatever programme they are missing later on and if all else fails, disconnect the offending box. Ok you may not be popular but they will soon get the picture and it will be worth it – and as a parent, the authority should always be with you, not your child so letting them eat their dinner in front of their favorite computer game only sends them the message that you believe the Playstation/TV to be more important to your child’s life than you and that your relationship with them takes second place to a game of Grand Theft Auto. This in turn decreases their self-esteem and contributes to bad behavior and lack of respect.. Let them know that you want their full attention because they are important to you and an important part of the family.

# 4: Include everyone in the meal and table preparation. This means that even if you are the one cooking, get others involved in setting the table, pouring drinks and clearing up. It is not the duty of just one person to contribute to the practice of eating together, it is everyone in the family and none of us are too young or old to learn that. Children in particular can thrive when given tasks and the elder members of the family can be reminded of the duties of the household.

# 5: TALK!! Sounds obvious right? None of us want to eat in silence and sitting together to eat should not be a chore. So talk to one another, ask about each other’s day, activities and use the time to plan future activities or address any family issues.

By implementing a practice of eating at least one meal a day together, you will see an improvement in your family’s communication, synergy and relationships. By strengthening the family unit this way and placing its importance back at the top of our priorities, we will in due course cause our youth to value the family unit also and increase the level of respect that they have for themselves and for others. Then maybe we can begin to tackle some of the issues we are facing as a society and begin to feed ourselves not just with food nutrition but also with spiritual and emotional nutrition.

They call it blind perception . A seemingly oxymoronish name, the term refers to the strange, almost “blind” perception learners/speakers of a foreign language may experience when hearing sounds, rhythms, intonations, etc. considered ‘meaning distinguishable’ in the foreign language but not in the speaker’s native language. Sounds complicated? It really isn’t. If we take the beginning “story’ as an example, we notice that the the first girl insisted that was she saying the same thing as her English teacher was saying (yes, I am taking these two characters way too seriously). She couldn’t hear the difference between the English letter “P” (which her teacher was saying) and the English sound ‘B” (which she was saying) because in Arabic, there is no distinction between these two sounds; pronouncing one as the other in Arabic, doesn’t really cause a difference in meaning . For example, pronouncing the Arabic word for Saturday, Sabt, as “Sabt” or as “Sapt”, with a light p, wouldn’t really change the meaning of the word. And that’s why Arabic speakers learning English, who have no hearing problems at all, often cannot hear the difference between the two sounds!

But, it’s not only in language that we humans sometimes perceive things incorrectly. Just the other day, I heard a little kid telling his mom, “Oh, mom, look! The moon is chasing us”. How many of us, as children, were also convinced that the moon was running after us or following our cars? We looked out the window and that’s what we saw….and we believed what we saw.

We believed it, not realizing how limited human perception (including sight, touch, hearing, etc.) really is. Did you know that if you stood next to an elephant, this giant creature, SubhanAllah, you would hear only a third of its growl? Yup, the BBC recently featured an article on this. What about dog whistles? We can’t hear the sounds but dogs obviously can! Not only that, but if you looked at a flower, in many cases, you would be seeing something very different from what bees see. That’s because it turns out that many flowers have ultraviolet patterned petals; these patterns, which can be seen by bees but not by the human eye, help the bees identify the flower’s store of nectar. And what about touch? Have you ever touched something that was so hot, your body mistakenly felt it was cold or vice versa? Like an ice-cube?

The simple truth is that what we sense is only a fraction of what is all around us. It’s a well known fact that many animals start running for cover from earthquakes long before we do; the fact that we cannot, without our modern technology, sense this gigantic catastrophe, this overwhelmingly massive destructive force as fast as they can, should make us realize that our perception really is… unreliable.

It should also humble us.

And it should also strengthen our belief in all that Allah has informed us about….all that He has promised us…and all that He has, from His Mercy, warned us about.

Yes, knowing that there are things right now, at this very moment, right next to me that I cannot see or hear…well, it proves to me that right now, though I cannot see them, there are, on my shoulders, two angels recording every single one of my deeds.

And yes, around me, there are shayateen who see me, but who I do not see, and who are trying to lure me from Allah’s path.

And far far above, far beyond human sight, is the Throne of the Magnificent. And underneath His Throne, is a paradise with things no human eye has ever seen, waiting for its dwellers.

Dwellers who come right here from Earth- dwellers who dare to believe in the Unseen.