TV programmes, websites, books, articles, events and organisations have dedicated themselves to this fascinating subject. What has particularly struck me is the increase in Islamic courses all dealing with different aspects of marital life, ranging from the  rules of getting married, how to develop a healthy relationship and live in harmony with your spouse, to the sensitive issue of dealing with in- laws.

Getting married is unquestionably accepted and seen as a natural part of our existence, yet learning about marriage and preparing oneself for this life changing experience is sadly still seen as a taboo and shameful amongst some of our communities. Many, particularly the older generation, baulk at the idea of “marriage education.” After all, haven’t marriages existed since the beginning of time, so why do we need to learn about it? Some would even go so far as to say that such courses are simply a response to some kind of “crisis” facing Muslims in the West, where people cannot find a spouse and marriages face more challenges. Life is much easier in Muslim countries they say!

The response to such attitudes, which do exist, is simply this: if we need education and knowledge for jobs and other activities, then surely we should apply the same principle to marriage? In addition, when we talk about religious education, it is not just restricted to learning about the 5 pillars or how to read the Qu’ran; it encompasses personal, social and economic matters. Marriage is included in this.

A recent workshop I attended made me realise why it is so important to educate people on the Islamic perspective of marriage. The workshop focused on forced marriages in the UK; a practice that is prevalent in many communities and not just amongst Muslims.  Discussions looked at the causes and signs of forced marriages as well as what professionals from different sectors can do to tackle this problem. Forced marriages are still a massive concern; in 2009 the Forced Marriage Unit, set up by the UK government, gave advice or support to 1682 cases. 86 percent of these cases involved females and 14 percent involved males (www.fco.gov.uk). But many more cases go unreported and victims are often threatened into silence.

As we can see, forced marriage cases are being taken seriously. Awareness is being raised through the media and events; at the particular workshop I attended, individuals from schools, police forces, local authorities and voluntary groups were keen to increase their understanding, share knowledge and good practice that would enable individuals and organisations to better support victims.

Whilst this was all very heartening, it appears very little, if anything is being done to educate the very communities within which these horrendous crimes are taking place. Let me point out one particular reason, which was cited at the workshop, for the occurrence of forced marriages: to uphold perceived cultural or religious ideals. This is a sad reality; the notion that a person must marry who their parents and families choose is still considered a “religious ideal” in some Muslim families. Personal choice is given no importance. But any kind of marriage where there is force and no mutual consent are a million miles away from the teachings of Islam. The Prophet (saw) gave women the right to choose their partner.

In a hadith, narrated in Sahih Muslim, A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) was reported to have said: “I asked Allah’s Messenger (saw) about a virgin whose marriage is solemnized by her guardian, whether it was necessary or not to consult her. Allah’s Messenger (saw) said: ‘Yes, she must be consulted.’”

Other marriage issues also exist. Dysfunctional relationships, breakdown in communication and trust, abandonment of duties and responsibilities, oppression (yes men are also oppressed by their wives and in- laws!), conflict with in- laws, financial disagreements- the list goes on. In my view, many of these arise as a result of ignorance and lack of understanding. Islam gives us a framework within which we can truly appreciate the purpose of marriage, learn about what kind of spouse we should look for, how to legally get married and divorced, the way we should treat our spouses and build a happy and peaceful marital life, providing a solid foundation for our children and future generation.

Marriage is a blessing and a gift from Allah. With the right intentions and conducted in the proper manner, it can bring much joy to our lives. In one of the most famous verses in the Qu’ran, Allah (swt) says:

And of His signs is that He created for you, of yourselves, spouses, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has set between you love and mercy. Surah Ar- Rum (30:21)

Islamic marriage education should be wholeheartedly embraced and seen as an opportunity for us to liberate ourselves of myths, regressive cultural practices and beliefs, and of course unlawful behaviour which could not only ruin us, but bring the displeasure of Allah (swt). Such knowledge can illuminate our lives, granting us success in this life and the next.

And this applies to Muslims all over the world, and not just those in the West.

Allah will exalt in degree those of you who believe and those who have been granted knowledge. Surah Mujadilah (58:11).

Aisha narrates, “When Allah’s Apostle had finished his Ghazwa (battle) and returned and we approached Madinah, Allah’s Messenger ordered to proceed at night. When the army was ordered to resume the homeward journey, I got up and walked on till I left the army (camp) behind. When I had answered the call of nature, I went towards my howdah [the carriage like thing that women would ride on the camel], but behold! A necklace of mine made of Jaz Azfar (a kind of bead) was broken and I looked for it and my search for it detained me…”

Times passes the woman by as she continues searching, and her group, not realizing that she is not with them, set back on their journey. The woman is left all alone in the middle of the vast desert…

“The group of people who used to carry me, came and carried my howdah on to the back of my camel on which I was riding, considering that I was therein. At that time women were light in weight and were not fleshy for they used to eat little (food), so those people did not feel the lightness of the howdah while raising it up, and I was still a young lady. They drove away the camel and proceeded. Then I found my necklace after the army had gone. I came to their camp but found nobody therein so I went to the place where I used to stay, thinking that they would miss me and come back in my search…

To Him Do We Belong and to Him We Will Return- the only words the lone woman heard from the man whose job was to make sure that no one was left behind…

While I was sitting at my place, I felt sleepy and slept … Safwan had started in the last part of the night and reached my stationing place in the morning and saw the figure of a sleeping person. He came to me and recognized me, as he used to see me before veiling. I got up because of his saying: “Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun” . I covered my face, and by Allah, he did not say to me a single word except, “Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun”. He made his she-camel kneel down, whereupon he trod on its forelegs and I mounted it. Then Safwan set out, leading the she-camel that was carrying me, till we met the army while they were resting during the hot midday. After this we arrived at Madinah …”[Aisha, Radiya Allah Anha]

That’s how the IFK (slander) incident occurred, the incident in which the hypocrite, Abdullah Ibn-Ubai Ibn-Salul, decided to accuse the Wife of the Prophet, one of the Mothers of the Believers, of an unspeakable act. And that’s when all of Madinah was put to a test- a test, which on the outside seemed very bad, but as Allah told us, actually had khair for us.

“Indeed, those who came with falsehood are a group among you. Do not think it bad for you; rather it is good for you. For every person among them is what [punishment] he has earned from the sin, and he who took upon himself the greater portion thereof – for him is a great punishment… (surat Nur: ayah 11)”

Khair? (Good?) Even, though our beautiful Lady Aisha (Radiya Allah Anha/May Allah be pleased with her) was slandered and the Prophet, Sallah Allahoo alyhaee wa salam, had to endure a month of grief, waiting for the innocence of his beloved wife to be declared? Yes, wallahi (by Allah), it was truly khair! The Ifk event taught us so many things which if we applied today would completely erase many of the problems in our communities! It taught us valuable lessons… lessons of how to earn jannatul firdaus!

Eternal Lesson #1: Always assume  the best in others.

After mentioning the Ifk incident, the very first question Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala asks the believers, is this:

“Why, when you heard it, did not the believing men and believing women think good of one another and say, “This is an obvious falsehood”? (Surat Nur: ayah 12”)

How many times do we hear scandalous news? “Did you hear that Salwa snuck out her house and …” “OMG, she did?” we sometimes ask back. “Oh yeah, I heard from X who heard from Y who was told by N that…”

Why? Why do we assume that what we hear is true? Why don’t we think good of others? Why don’t we say “No, I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s possible. I refuse to accept that!”

The truth is, if you think badly of others, then it is your heart that is not entirely pure. To demonstrate this idea, a lecturer once gave this example: A man crept up back home, a little after dawn, after hanging out in a disco. On his way back home, he bumped into another man, who actually had just been heading back home after praying fajr. Each man saw each other and each thought that the other man was doing what he, himself, had been doing…

When we think badly of others, especially when there is no evidence, it is we who are at fault. We should learn from Abu-Ayyub Al-Ansari (Radiya Allah Anhoo) and his wife who behaved quite wonderfully during the Ifk incident. Abu Ayyub simply asked his wife if she would ever have done what people were accusing Aisha of doing. She swore that she would never have done it. Confidently, he responded then, that Aisha would never have done it, either, since she was of course better than his wife (Aisha was the Prophet’s wife and one of the Mothers of the Believers). Abu Ayyub’s wife then asked Abu Ayyub if he would have done what Safwan was accused of doing. Abu Ayyub replied that he would never betrayed Rasool Allah; his wife, then also told him that Sawfan too is better than him and that he would never have done that, either! By looking into themselves and assuming better of other people, the couple established that there was no truth at all to what was being said.

Eternal Lesson #2: Don’t talk about such things in the first place!

And why, when you heard it, did you not say, “It is not for us to speak of this. Exalted are You, [O Allah]; this is a great slander”? (16) Allah warns you against returning to the likes of this [conduct], ever, if you should be believers. (17)

If you didn’t see the matter, just don’t talk about it. That is, if somebody comes up to you, looking over their shoulder and with their eyes practically twinkling with the news of some juicy story, even if it’s somebody you would trust your life with, simply tell them that Allah and His Prophet have asked the believers not to talk about such things…

Abû Hurayrah relates that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent….[ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, also narrated

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam, said, , ‘A sign of one’s excellence in his Islam, is ignoring what does not concern him.’ [Related by Ahmad, Malik & At-Tirmithi]

Now! Let’s say you saw the matter and you were the only witness. Don’t tell others about it! How many nights and days has Allah seen you committing a sin? How many times has He concealed your sin for you? Show Allah’s servants this same mercy and conceal their sins so that Allah may conceal yours for you on the Day of Judgment.

“If a person conceals the weakness of another in this world, Allah will conceal their weakness in the hereafter” [Al Nawawi, Riyad al Salihin p 135, Hadith no 245; al Ghazali, Kitab Adab p 344]

It’s not just so that Allah will conceal your sin, though. It’s so that you don’t fall into sin. Remember, Allah has decreed that no one is to accuse another of fornication without producing 4 reliable witnesses! FOUR! Do you know what the punishment is if one accuses a person and they have brought not 4, but 3 witnesses? 80 lashes! Now, tell me what scandal is worth that?

One other important thing to mention is that it’s not just about not spreading rumors around. The Ifk incident taught is that it’s even more than that. It’s about not liking for such news to be spread around!

Indeed, those who like that immorality should be spread [or publicized] among those who have believed will have a painful punishment in this world and the Hereafter. And Allah knows and you do not know. (surat Al Nur: aya 19)

Eternal Lesson #3: Never belittle a sin. Remember who you are sinning against and that His judgment may be different from yours!

When you received it with your tongues and said with your mouths that of which you had no knowledge and thought it was insignificant while it was, in the sight of Allah, tremendous. (surat Al Nur: 15)

When the Ifk incident happened, some people started talking about it, thinking it was something small. Look what Allah told them! The truth is, many times, we fall into the trap of believing that we are doing is not really a big deal. Do we really know what Allah thinks of it as? Do we really want to risk being wrong?

Eternal Lesson #4: Forgive, even if someone has wronged you

During the Ifk incident, one of the persons who spread the awful rumors was none other than one of Abu Bakr’s relatives, Mistah Ibn-Uthatha (Radiya Allah Anhuma), whom Abu Bakr in fact, used to give charity to. After the incident occurred and Mistah accused Abu Bakr’s daughter, Abu Bakr took the decision to no longer give Mistah money- a decision any one of us might have taken. Yet, Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala, after declaring Aisha’s innocence also said what He thought of Abu Bakr’s decision:

“And let not the ones endowed with the Grace (of Allah) and affluence swear off bringing (charity) to near of kin (Literally: endowed with kinship) and the indigent and to the ones emigrating in the way of Allah; and let them be clement and let them pardon. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Ever-Merciful” (22)

Can you imagine? Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala told Abu Bakr to forgive Mistah and to continue to pay him money. What about us? Are any of at Abu Bakr’s level? Did anyone of us risk our lives for the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam? Even though Abu Bakr had done that and had been the Prophet’s greatest companion, Allah still told him to forgive Mistah so that Allah would forgive Abu Bakr! SubhanAllah! How important then is it for us to forgive others?

Eternal Lesson #5 : Allah is Forgiving if you repent to Him

Related to the above lesson of forgiveness but still very different is that Allah is Forgiving, if you repent to Him. So many times you hear people saying “Man, God will never forgive what I’ve done. I’m doomed”… No, you are not! One, thing the Ifk incident tells us is that you are never doomed! Do you know what the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam told Aisha, Radiya Allah Anha?

“Thereafter, O ‘Aisha! I have been informed such and such a thing about you; and if you are innocent, Allah will reveal your innocence, and if you have committed a sin, then ask for Allah’s forgiveness and repent to Him, for when a worshiper of Allah confesses his sin and then repents to Allah, Allah accepts his repentance”.

Can you imagine? The Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam told Aisha Radiya Allah Anha that even if she had betrayed him ( Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) and had done such an act, all she had to do was sincerely repent to Allah and ask for forgiveness. He, Sallahoo Alyhee wa salam, didn’t tell her, Audoo Billah, “Honey, you’re going to hell” but instead continued to tell her a way to paradise!

So let’s take this lesson from the Ifk for ourselves and realize the importance of repentance and let’s also spread this message of forgiveness around. Let’s stop giving people the impression that they’re doomed and going to hell and let’s start telling them about how Forgiving Allah is as long they truly feel the weight of their sin!

Eternal Lesson #6: Don’t take sides because someone is your relative, or from the same place as you, etc.

During the Ifk incident, the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam gathered the people and asked them who would help him against the man who had spread rumors about his family and the good pious man, Safwan. What he wanted was simply for the hypocrite, Ibn Salul, to end what he had started, but that didn’t happen. Instead a member of the Awas tribe promised the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam that he would relieve him of the man. Then, the chief of the Khazraj tribe basically suggested that that Companion had said a lie (that is, he denied that the member of the Awas would do anything), and suddenly chaos erupted, even though the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam was right there, with them! Why? Because instead of seeing things objectively, the sides began to see the matter from a matter of “Us/You” “Awas/Khazraj”. Nationalism colored their judgment and unfortunately their behavior only ended up grieving the Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam.

Eternal Lesson #7: Have patience and know that Allah has not forgotten about you

What about if you have been back-bited or slandered against? What can you learn from the Ifk? Patience. Patience. Patience. Aisha, Radiya Allah Anha had to wait an entire month until the truth emerged. She had to endure the fact that many people in the community believed she had done it. She even felt that her parents had started to believe it:

She told them, “By Allah, I know that you heard this story (i.e. of Ifk) so much so that it has been planted in your minds and you have believed it. So now, if I tell you that I am innocent, and Allah knows that I am innocent, you will not believe me; and if I confess something, and Allah knows that I am innocent of it, you will believe me…”

Instead, Aisha, Radiya Allah Anha, chose patience:

“ By Allah, I cannot find of you an example except that of Yusuf’s father (Alyhee as aslam). “So (for me) patience is most fitting against that which you assert and it is Allah (Alone) Whose help can be sought”.

And her patience paid off! A month later, Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala declared her innocence in the Qur’an! He decreed that all of us Muslims would read this story and know her innocence! He put her story as a part of His Divine Message to all of mankind.

So dear sisters and brothers, if you have been slandered against, never think that Allah has forgotten you. It may take time, but eventually the truth will emerge and each person will get their due! Just trust in Allah and know that “Verily with hardship is ease”.

In conclusion, these are just some of the lessons I could find from that single one event. I’m sure there are many more lessons and that each person will take home their very own lesson. But truly with all the lessons we can learn, it becomes abundantly clear, that yes, indeed, “Do not think it bad for you; rather it is good for you.” Khair, inshaAllah, if we could only implement all that it teaches us…

Acknowledgment: All of the translations of Aisha (Radiya Allah Anha’s) narrations in this article have been taken from the English translation of Dr. Amr Khaled’s episode number 22 of his series “On the Path of the Beloved”, which can be found here: http://amrkhaled.net/articles/articles1143.html

Let’s start with the ayah (verse of the Qur’an) that gives muslim men the right to marry up to 4 women. We find it in the 4th Surah/Chapter and it is the 3rd Ayah/Verse:

“And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course. “

This verse can be explained further by the following:

Hadith (saying of the Prophet peace be upon him) Sahih al Bukhari 3:44:674

Explanation (Tafsir) of the Verse 4:3 from Tafsir Ibn Kathir

So what’s it like in the real world today?

Pre-Nuptial Agreement

Some women insist on an agreement before marriage with the condition that the groom cannot marry a second wife and if he does that it is grounds for immediate divorce.

Since i’m not a Scholar, I can’t say for sure whether this is ok. From what i’ve read, it’s not. An agreement is fine, that condition is not and this is not a practice of the muslim women before modern times.

It’s one thing to have ‘the talk’ with your husband about his future plans for plural wives, but it’s another thing to start out a marriage talking about divorce based on something you know your husband has been given the right -by Allah no less- to do in your religion.

The talk

My husband and I had a talk before marriage. It was about his intentions, what he wanted with his life as far as wives and family and about my feelings and how I didn’t think I could cope with a second wife. There was a half hearted “You’re not allowed” and a “I don’t really agree with that anyway” from him. We both left that conversation knowing how each other felt, but also knowing that he does have that right if he is in the position in the future that he should consider it and that I would not forbid him that right.

I believe in Islam even when it hurts my feelings. It breaks my heart to imagine my husband having another woman betrothed to him but I don’t believe I have the right to remove a right from my husband that Allah has given to him. There is wisdom behind this right, and who am I to question the wisdom of Allah?

Have a talk with your husband-to-be about his feelings and your feelings towards this issue, research the issue and the rulings behind it and have an educated opinion before you go into the conversation.

Permission

There is much talk about a man asking for permission. Does he, or does he not have to ask for permission?

According to my research, there is nothing to suggest he needs your permission to marry another wife.

As with any major life and family changing decision, manners suggest a man should discuss this with his wife (wives) before going forward with a second (or third or fourth) marriage, and do his utmost, even involving a mediator if necessary, to sort out any issues that arise.

Jealousy

Women are emotional beings, it is not an easy pill to swallow, the thought of your husband with another woman. We are taught that monogamy is the only acceptable way and we believe monogamy is the only way for us.

We have a very possessive attitude towards our husbands that is perhaps not healthy. I am as guilty of this as anyone. Generations ago men traveled for months at a time, even years, to trade and go to war, women were accustomed to being without their husbands for periods of time, perhaps they couldn’t be as emotionally dependent on their husbands as we have become and so having a co-wife was not as devastating to them as it is to us.

Many women feel as though they are not good enough, that it was something they did wrong that made their husband choose this. That this new woman is more of a mistress and how dare she marry their husband, they may even feel cheated on. I think these are feelings and insecurities that husbands need to take very seriously and address with their wives when making such a life changing decision. The first wives need to know that it is not a fault of theirs that has pushed their husband to this and that they are just as important and cared about as they were before the new wife joined the family.

Deceit

Then there are the men who do it wrong.

I’m one to make excuses for people. There are reasons I can find that a man may marry a second wife and even have a family with her without the first wife knowing. Perhaps he feels a second family is important to him but does not want to compromise the relationships of the first family, perhaps he does not want to hurt his wife and wants to spare her the feelings I described above.

But there are a great many men who go as far as to lie to and deceive the first wife and even the second/third/fourth to prevent them finding out about his double life. I’ve known more than one woman whose husband has done this, i’ve known first wives and second wives who didn’t know about each other until later.

To the brothers who are doing it for the excuses I gave above. Don’t do it. It is very likely to come out in the open in the future, and this will only amplify any hurt that may have been felt had you done this out in the open from the start. Take this process slowly, be gentle with your first wife, she is going through a very confusing time, bring in a mediator if you can to help counsel you both through this, reassure her, take your time, research, pray, do it right.

To the brothers who go as far as to lie and deceive their wives, I give you this hadith:

The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked, ‘Can a believer be a coward?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He was asked, ‘Can a believer be a miser?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’ He was asked, ‘Can a believer be a liar?’ He said, ‘No.’

SunniPath

The bottom line

Polygamy is a right given to Muslim men (yes, even your husband) by Allah. There are requirements and restrictions on this right, but it is a right none the less.

It is up to us as muslim women to come to terms with that part of our religion and to stop interpreting this right our own way to comfort ourselves and those who question us on it. It is not up to us to deny our men a right Allah has given them and it is not up to us to question the wisdom of  Allah and the perfection of the Qur’an. We are -in general- not scholars to go around giving tafsir (explanations) of any part of the Qur’an, much less such a controversial part.

What can we do? Educate ourselves. Read, read, read and make sure you are reading from authentic sources. The more you educate yourself, in this and in all of Islam, the more you understand and come to a place of acceptance of the things you find difficult. Islam is complete submission to the will of Allah, the more you submit, the less worldly things like this will affect your spirit. Islam is easy, and clear, there is a way to understand even the parts you have difficulty with if you take the time.

I can’t tell you how to get through your emotions if you are faced with your husband marrying a second wife, I have not been in the situation myself. But my advice is to pray a lot and never act on emotion alone, remember that divorce is the most hated of permissible things to Allah.

This, from a very jealous wife.

Edit Please read the ongoing discussion in the comments.

We all know the story:

But why?

The reasons vary. She’s not of the same ethnicity. She’s not a virgin. She’s previously married. She has kids. She’s too old. She’s a convert…

But wait, she says, I’m a muslim! I pray. I wear hijab. Allah has forgiven me for pre islam sins. The sahaba were converts too … my ethnicity is of no importance. This doesn’t make any sense.

“A woman is married for four reasons; her wealth, her family, her beauty and her faith. So, marry the one who is religious and you will prosper.” Saheeh al-Bukharee vol.9 no. 132

“I can’t present them with hadith, they know it better than us”

There is no class system in Islam. The Qur’an speaks about human brotherhood and equality as basic precepts: `O mankind, surely we have created you from a male and female, and made your tribes and families that you may know each other (not that you may despise each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is he who is most righteous of you.’ (49:13)

“But it’s custom, it’s culture, I can’t argue with that” he says.

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a white man over a black man, or of a black man over a white man, except in terms of piety. The people come from Adam and Adam came from dust.”

This is a plague on our Ummah. There are sisters who are living alone, who are raising children alone, who are ostracized not only from their native community, but from their Ummah. There are sisters who are in danger of falling into Haram because they are discarded as “not good enough” by their brothers and sisters based on things that are trvial and unchangeable such as skin color, birth and past.

But that’s not Islam!

Islam unites us, Islam brings us down to earth as servants to Allah, equal in our submission, equal in our reward and punishment according to what we do, equal in opportunity for Allah’s mercy and forgiveness and for his wrath. Islam makes us one brotherhood.

Islam teaches us the meaning of unity, that there is no “us and them” there is only “us”

Who are we to argue with that?

Because…

Islam is my government
Sunnah my culture
Hijab is my traditional dress
Salam my language
Unity is my flag
Quran my constitution
Muslims are my people
All land is Gods land

Because..
Their hardship is my hardship
Their tears my tears
Their pain my pain
Their end my end

Because..
When the believers are sick
I am sick
When the religion is weak
I am weak
When the believers oppressed
I am oppressed

Because..
Even if they dont love me
I love them
Even if they dont know me
I love them
Even if they dont accept me
I love them
For their believing
For their crying to Allah
For their hoping
For the mercy of Allah
For the sake of Allah.

That’s why it pains me
When muslims are afflicted
That’s why it pains me
When they are oppressed
That’s why it pains me
When they are misunderstood
Because it isn’t “them” it’s “us”

And that’s why.

(Written by UmmHend 2008)

There are endless amounts of philosophical and poetic definitions of Love, but for the sake of clarity lets define it by the book.

From Dictionary.com the first of 28 definitions and uses for the word Love:

love (noun) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

From Wikipedia:

The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

Loosely defined, Love is a feeling and an Emotion. Feelings and emotions by nature are moving, changing and often fragile parts of our character which are affected by our environment. Books, music, art, movies, conversations and mental and physical health or illness all affect our emotions.

What’s your point?

Such an unstable part of our character should not be used as a foundation for a life long partnership. You wouldn’t choose a business partner based on such a loose concept, much less a life partner.

Hadith Al-Bukhari – Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.

(I think it’s safe to say the same criteria arises when talking about men)

I’m not going to pretend i’m a scholar and attempt to explain this hadith, but suffice to say a persons commitment to their deen (religion) plays a big part in defining their character. Of course there is more to compatibility, but love is not one of the criteria.

Where’s the love?

What makes us love someone? Their character. Their values, behavior, beliefs and how that compliments your own. So if we choose a partner based on that, we will quickly begin to love them. If love is built gradually and based on character and personality it will be more enduring and more of a solid state rather than a fragile changing emotion.

And remember the most important love, is love for the sake of Allah.