Interview with a Second Wife

I’ve requested a few times for muslim sisters in polygamous marriages to approach me for an interview. I was delighted when I received an email from this sister and learned more about her story. Formerly a single mother and with no intentions of entering into a marriage like this she has become a gracious and beloved second wife to a brother who, from what I’m told, is doing his utmost to do it right and according to the example of the Prophet peace be upon him. Please read their story with an open mind and keep the discussion respectful.

Note about language: We have used the word ‘Polygyny‘ throughout the article because it more accurately describes the Islamic practice which is the allowance of more than one Wife but not more than one Husband (Polygamy on the other hand describes plural marriage of any kind) Also the sister (who will remain anonymous) has used several arabic-islamic words and phrases, I have translated most of them and intend to make a glossary of words for our readers that are not familiar with arabic-islamic terminology.

If you are a First, Third or Fourth wife who is interested in doing an anonymous interview about your experience, please contact us and tell me a bit about your story.

First jazaki Allahu khairun (may Allah reward you) for approaching me and sharing this intimate part of your life with our readers. Let’s start at the beginning, how did you come to be a second wife? Was it something you sought out or did your husband approach you?

As-Salam Alaikum. First I want to say that I am very pleased to have an interview with you about polygyny. Well, for this question, it will be a little hard to answer. The fact is that I was very much interested in him, but showed no sign. On the other hand, I am assuming he was not interested in me, or he was playing the same game and showed no sign. But, the fact was that there was a rumor that he refuses to marry anyone else who tried to because he was content with one wife. So, I just felt as a little girl with a crush which was eventually going to disappear.
One day, there was a misunderstanding in a statement I made, he took it the wrong way because that was just his desire (miraculously). I knew then he liked me back, so I suggested he goes to my Wali (male guardian) and he did the next day.

A lot of sisters question the husbands motives for marrying more than one wife. Without wanting to delve into anything too personal, what were the circumstances that led your husband to marry again?

Well, one thing I know is that he was very careful and didn’t want to marry for the wrong reasons and turned down many offers. So, to my understanding, I am assuming that children was one of the strongest issue. He has been married to his first wife for 6 years whom is older then him and they have no children and from how he is known in the community, he adores children and children adores him.

Still many sisters question the motives of a second wife, some sisters have even harshly compared second wives to mistresses. What do you have to say to those sisters?

My immediate response is to be careful what comes out of their mouths, they will be questioned about it. This is Islam. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) made it permissible. But, I strongly believe one of the reasons for such ignorance is the way some brothers go about doing it. The secrecy, the lies and deceit. Unfortunately, some of our Muslim brothers act like the people in Jahilliyah (the time of ignorance before Islam) What I mean by that, they would hide their second marriage, they would give the first wife more time and more money etc… Then, hey, what else can you call that? Alhamdullillah, I am known to be as special to my husband as his first wife is. I am no secret, he pays my rent just like he pays hers. So, my sisters, just get a brother who fears Allah to not go through feeling like a mistress.

From your point of view how do you think your husbands first wife dealt with your marriage?

Hummm!!! You see, my husband does not discuss it much. But what he did tell me once is that she was not too happy at first and refused to talk to me when I asked my husband to talk to her. I had a conversation with him on how it is his duty to make her feel secure and loved. He never really discussed that anymore and I never asked him either. What assured me that she is not ready to have a friendship with me is that she had  a nice and respectful conversation with me once but extremely brief. But her niece who comes to the Masjid pretty often shows nothing but love and kindness towards me, offers me food and hugs. I also met her sister last week who was very nice to me as well.

You’ve talked a bit about how you see your co-wife to me before and I admired what you said, how do you feel about your co-wife and what efforts have you made to reach out to her?

Like I said, at first, before we even got married, I asked if I can talk to her and her answer was no, and that she doesn’t need to talk to me. After we got married, I kept insisting to my husband. He said its best to wait for the right time, maybe when she moves to the USA.

Before my husband left to visit her overseas, I insisted on sending her money and gifts because the Prophet (sallallahu aleihi wa salam) said gift giving draws hearts together. And I did. When my husband got there, I called her cell cause my husband gave it to me for emergencies until he gets his own cell phone. She answered. She was very brief but polite like I stated earlier.

Honestly, I was hurt. Very hurt. I wanted a relationship with her, but I guess she is not allowing it or is not ready yet. I am giving up trying and maybe it will get better when she comes to the States inshaAllah (God Willing)

What were your own views and feelings on polygany before your marriage and how have they changed since?

At the beginning, I swore by Allah I would never be involved in Polygyny. All the sisters and my wali knew how firm I was about that. It happened, I don’t know why. Now, I can say that my view is a little different. If your husband is fair and everyone involved fears Allah and won’t abuse the other one regardless of the jealousy that might occur, then it is perfect. This funny thoughts come to me sometimes, (smile), that he is a real man for being able to deal with 2 women, this makes me have a lot of respect for him.
There is plenty of benefits in it. I mean, if there is a reason for it, like if a wife can’t have kids, or if a sister is old and don’t have a husband or if a sister went through some kind of crisis and needs to have a husband etc…, then I am for it. I am against it only when brothers do it for the wrong reason. When they don’t do it fisabilllah (for the sake of Allah) When they do it only just because this sister looks good (but doesn’t have Taqwa (God-consciousness)).

What are your views on the roles and duties of a husband with multiple wives?

Simple- Equal financial treatment, equal time. The husband must also be able to fulfill the sexual desire of all his wives, not ever compare them (that would be an immense mistake) and not allow disrespect between them. The heart is a different issue. You cant help who you love more even though most women wish to win first place.

Again without wanting to ask too personal of a question, I understand your co-wife is in another country at the moment and your husband divides his time as best he can. What steps does your husband take to remain fair between his wives and keep things peaceful? How do you think this will change when you are living close by?

He is trying his best. He visits her for 3 months out of the year and she is in the process of moving to the States inshaAllah. He contacts her pretty often, not that he tells me, but women are smart. And also, because he contacts me 26 days out of 30 when he visits her. He would love to have total equal time, but for now, its just not possible financially.
I really don’t care about how it will be when she moves here, the most important thing is that she makes it here so she can get as much time as I am getting. I know my husband will not make us feel any different inshAllah, he is just a good man, a true blessing from Allah. More jealousy may occur between me and her, but I know we will not harm each other. I am not too worried about that.

What do you think are the biggest issues facing polygynous families and how has your family dealt with these issues?

Each family has their own issue. I am not sure on how I would describe that. But for his family, they love me and the ones who know her loves me and her. They are truly special and caring people. Even though his mom is not 100% in love with polygyny due to her own experience, but it is coming along fine. His dad loves me.
On my family side, they are really all Christians, and Allah knows Best about my mom. She took her Shahada (declaration of faith) but does not practice. My brother’s fiancee, I told. She had no problem with it. My brother overheard a Muslim brother say that to my husband on our walimah (wedding party), he really doesn’t care either. My mother was just digging to find out what was wrong with him since in her opinion all men are dogs, asked me the question once, and of course I could not lie. I switched the subject, went to the bathroom and came back to face the same question again. After her speech, entitled, “she knew something was wrong with him and that he could not be that nice”, I explained to her that I was the one keeping it a secret and that my husband actually wanted to tell them and he really did. Now, she loves him and they probably call and text each other more then once a day even with her limitation in English. So, it worked out fine.

You mentioned jealousy to me earlier, did you know that Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) was jealous of Khadija (Allah be please with her) because she was always the most beloved to The Prophet (peace be upon him) even after her death? Jealousy is normal I am sure, a tool of shaitan (the devil) perhaps. How do you cope with it and keep it from affecting you?

(Laughing out loud). I remind myself that I have no reason to feel jealous. He gives me no reason. It just drives me crazy to think sometimes that he doesn’t love me more then her just cause my mind tells me so. I want him to love me more and out of the blue one day, he was laughing and telling me he realized all women want to be loved more after coming from visiting her. This made me think that she is feeling the same way. Its pretty funny at times. But, what counts,  he is a very nice person. He really loves my boys. He blushes when I tell him the boys say they love him. He loved them before I even imagined we were going to get married. He listens to me and cares when I am hurt. I never had that before. Right now, I am 6 months pregnant with his first child and he is very supportive and loving. He calls me precious and he once said that I am his diamond and he has to take care of it. What else do I need? Hearing that, and being treated like that, he can even love her more if he would like (smile).

MashaAllah that is wonderful! How do you think you would react to your husband taking a 3rd wife? What lessons from being a second wife do you think you could apply to that if ever faced with it?

I would NOT be happy if he takes another wife in the future. I think he should be satisfied cause I am having his kids since she couldn’t yet, so he should be satisfied. (Laughing out loud). Wrong, but that is how I feel and he laughs every time I say it by replying that I am doing the same thing his 1st wife was doing but he is not thinking about that, and Allah knows Best. But if it happens, I will respect her as I want to be respected by my co-wife and I will be patient inshaAllah but I would not encourage him at all in this matter.

There is so much I’m sure our readers would like to know, I hope I’ve asked at least some of the right questions. What advice do you have for women who may be entering into a polygynous marriage?

Do not enter a marriage thinking that you are going to take over. Its wrong. Respect your co-wife regardless how jealous you get. Be very sensitive towards her/them.  Treat your husband well and most importantly, be Patient. Verily, Allah (SWT) loves the patient and we all want Allah to love us.

Any advice for first wives and husbands considering a second wife?

Depend on the situation. If you have a good marriage and he is fair, be patient and don’t assume that he doesn’t love you. There may be a reason fisabillillah (for the sake of Allah) he is doing it. Talk to him about how you feel. Remember this world is temporary and Allah tests us all the time. Be patient. Your husband may even love you more then you can imagine.

Finally, What would you like our readers to know about your situation and others like it? What misconceptions are out there that you’d like to address?

I want everyone to know that I have never been happier with a man before. He is truly a blessing from Allah and I can’t believe I found it in polygyny. There are a lot of misconceptions, it depends on the individuals involved. If you are doing the right thing, then it helps erase misconceptions. Mistresses don’t get equal time, mistresses are not known to everyone. Islam stops all these things that put a woman down. The Prophet’s (saw) wives were treated all equally even though he loved Aisha (ra) more. And if we claim we follow Islam, we must try our best to follow his Sunnah. Stop the deceitful things.

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49 thoughts on “Interview with a Second Wife

  1. Assalamu Alaikum.
    Within the space of two years, three of my siblings (parents with children ranging from toddlers to late teens) became part of a polygamous relationship. I witnessed much heart wrenching grief.The psychological impact on my nephews and nieces was awful to witness. Many Muslim men and women have no true understanding of Islam. They use it to serve their selfish vain desires. I realised that all couples should strive to create an Islamic atmosphere where there must be strict hijab and no vulgarity . Muslim couples must be on their guard against any free mixing with female or male, whether they are family members, neighbours or friends. In most cases the husband wanting a second wife is a heartless man who has no true connection with his creator. He has no sense of accountability, the same applies to the woman wanting to be a second wife. Their selfish vain desires are the driving force.

    1. Walaiki As Salaam. Sister u should be very careful of the things u write and say. Our Creator is the One who gave the men rights ti have up to 4 men. If it was as u think it is Allah would not have put it in place. We all have our sensitive subjects but we should watch the stance we take against te creator of the heavens and earth and all thats in between.

  2. Wa’alaikum Salam to all.
    Reading the comments was very interesting.Many people are naive when it comes to polygamy .My brother took a much you get second wife.The first wife whom he’d been with for 25 years & the mother of his 5 beautiful children was heartbroken & very depressed & still struggling to cope. The second wife felt special an

    1. Assalam alaykum, It’s definitely a tough issue in our current culture and with today’s societal norms. Alhamdulilah we have this platform to spread information and ideas.

  3. Asalamu Aliakum

    I’m the first wife, when I married my husband 8 years ago I told him if he ever decided that he wanted a 2nd wife just let me know you see I am unable to have children. To me having a cowife is an answer to our prayers. This wife would be able to give my husband the one thing im not able to do. Not only would he love her but I would to and the child would be so blessed due to the fact that all partys involved would lve the baby. Now, would I have some jealously maybe cuz I am human will it be a problem nope I know my husband and the love and commitment we have in our marriage. So, sisters put all your trust in Allah for what Allah wills will be. May Allah bless and protect you all.

  4. Asalaam Aleikum.Just yesterday I texted a game on whatsapp to a guy at work.I regreted it as soon as i sent it coz one of the questions was would u date me which is haram ofcoz and i didnt mean it.Anyway so the guy responds who btw he tries to be a good muslim and says he hates the fact I will nt date him would change the fact I dnt like married men,would definately date me given the chance and he would like to spend his life with me.That shocked me and made me feel bad coz he has a wife and two kids.So I tried altho am not into polgyny thinking if I would give him a chance.So I googled the issue and came across this thread.I love that it works for some of you sisters and it shows Allah swt knows his creation more thn they do.But it reinforced in me the feeling of not getting into such a marriage.Monogamy is halal and our Prophet practiced it for 25 years and He loved noone more than Khadija ra.I want such a marriage please make dua for me that I will be patient and not tempt the brother I work with.JazakhaAllah kheyr for your input.

    1. Asalamualekom, may Allah help you and give you a halal and beneficial relationship when the time is right for you. I must say that the situation you’re describing does not sound like a correct one, even if you were to consider the brother, he is behaving completely inappropriately particularly considering he has a family at home. You’re wise to steer clear of that situation, the brother is not behaving in a way consistent with the sunnah way of polygyny at all.

  5. Was in polygamy before was very unhappy the husband had no job was receiving only two hundred dollars in food stamps and two hundred dollars in cash once a month and thought Allah would be happy with that’s he took advantage of both of us and also it’s too many s t d’s I would never want to be in polygamy again it was the worst

    1. Saudah, of course the way the man was doing it in the described scenario is not at all ok nor acceptable islamically. Any support of polygamous families here is absolutely not intended to suggest support of abuse of this right, which is what you’re describing.

  6. Shalam this article has been very informative. My husband of 15 years is seeking a 2nd wife. I’ve been struggling with this issue . It’s hard to deal with because I always ask what am I doing wrong? He says I’m a great wife, so then why do he continue to search. I fear there will be no equality but I’m going to put my trust in The Lord. Hoping he will not put too much on me that I can’t handle . I love my husband and I want him to be happy in return I deserve to be happy too. Accepting a co-wife would be difficult but nothing is impossible with the most high thank you Shalam. Nashaya

    1. Salaam to all

      I am a first wife me and my husband have been married for 14 years and we have two bueatiful perfect daughters aged 10 and 6, my husband has always spoke about having a second wife but I have always stated that she will be his ONLY wife as I will leave him. Our marriage has had it’s ups and downs and I have an almost non existent relationship with his family they are in pakistan and the usual money issues have always been present. My husband us a successful businessman and provides us with everything I have a lot to be grateful for allhamdullilah . My situation as it stands is that he has made contact with a woman from his village who is friends with his sister he has known her and her family for a long time she is divorced and is currently living in Norway he has proposed to her and she had accepted to become his second wife. I am torn over this as my family have said they want nothing to do with my husband if he does this I am confused and hurt but all I know is that I want to remain his wife forever I never want to be a divorced woman . My husband is giving my reassurances that he will always love me and my daughters more than anything in the world but he feels this us something he has to do as he is able to do this financially I know that he will not change his mind but I really need advice and support for how best to deal with the inevitable jealousy , we both pray five times religiously never missing a Namaz and although I know Allah will always only allow what is best for me I am still hurting. I would appreciate any advice and support my email is [removed].
      The most hardest thing is the idea if him being intimate with her it makes me physically sick and I know this is my weakness and completely unislamic but I can’t help how I feel

      Jazakallah

  7. Asalaam mu alaikum
    I am the first wife of over twenty years as well as the mother to my husbands children. This has affected my family alot since my husband took a second wife as the kids now feel that she used them to get their father and are vcery unhappy with the whole situation. I myself am not very happy with it but with the help of Allah take everything one day at a time.

  8. This article is great! I’ve learned a lot from this interview. Currently one man is courting me and asking me to be his second wife but I not quit sure if I should say yes. I am a christian and had a little idea regarding Islam though I starting to love him.

    Honestly, I was glad to read all the comments and realize despite issues happiest exist even if your the second wife.:))

  9. Asalaamu alaikum. Respectfully, I thinks it’s hypocritical for a person to say – yes I love being the second wife, yet if he brings a third into the picture I would not be happy about it.

    When I married my husband, I made it known that I was not interested in polygyny at all and he agreed in our premarital counseling with our Imam. We’ve been married four years and have two beautiful daughters. He says he is pleased with me as his wife and wants to grow old with me… So it is very confusing to me that the topic of a second wife has surfaced twice since we’ve been married. I try to do all I can to meet his needs – home cooked meals, physical intimacy, emotional support…so the topic literally enrages me. To me it’s just about sex. And to make matters worse, he doesn’t have the financial means to support two homes/families, etc.

    My stance has been consistent since I met him – yet he waivers. If he surfaces with another wife, I will DEFINITELY seek to divorce him. That is within my rights.

    1. Wa Alekom Asalam Sister TruthSeeker.
      With respect, this is the story of one sister and she was sharing her honest feelings and experiences. It may seem hypocritical to you, but her feelings are valid none the less. Sister, inshaAllah you may consider returning to a trusted Imam for further marriage counselling if this issue is placing hardship on your marriage, I pray you can work through it. It is halal, there are reasons for it, but that doesn’t make it a right or a recommendation by any stretch. Maybe for your husband it is about sex, you know him best, but it is unfair to put that motive onto every man with more than one wife – remember, including the Prophet aleihi salam, who had multiple wives.

  10. As Salaam Alaikum…I am a second wife and have been having some issues within myself. this article was very informative and helpful. Yes jealously is a tool for shaitan and yes the best thing to do is get up pray 2 rakats and seek Allah (SWT) help. jazak’Allah Khair for this article May Allah (AWJ) make things easy on you and your co-wife. I don’t have a relationship with mine but Insha’Allah Ta’Ala I will begin to make the effort!! Salaam Alaikum!!

  11. salam sister

    masha`alah i`m very impressed by the way you hold yourself sis and how you think about your co wife

    i myself will be going through this … meaning i`m the first wife and have been married to my husband for 16 years .. masha`allah we have a great realtionship and talk lot …. he has decided to take a second wife … …. his reason is because he wants to help the sister who is divorced … when he told me first … i said ok what ever you want is fine … as i place my trust in allah and he will only give me what i can cope with ……

    i speak to my future co wive every other day as she want to make sure that i`m 100 % ok with it and so does my dh …. he has left it up to me and if i`m not ok with it then he wont go ahead … my dh loves me and yes we have kids and our youngest is 2 and insha`allah i want to have more so it`s not about sex it`s about hassana and look for the next life

  12. Mashaalah,may Allah bless the sister’s marriage..ameen..i am the only wife to my d.husband and we married wen i was v.young..my husband swears he is contented with me as i with him..i dont know how well i can handle polygamy bt since its acceptd in islam,May Allah strengthen the bonds of all that are in it:) maasalam.

  13. as salaamualaikum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakaatuh

    good interview. im in p, im the first wife with all the kids lol mashaAllah, me and other wife havent ever met, been 3 yrs but we arent evil to each other or cause bad feelings mashaAllah, being in seperate households works for us and keeping everyones business in the house is key. difficult situation when me and dh married for so long and then this but alhamdulilah its a benefit for them in it, they have a daughter together and my kids adore their sibling. jealousy grief and depression is a harsh thing subhaanAllah. Allah is with the patient ones!
    i do know sisters who in p, whether 1,2,3 or 4th and everyones situation is difft, though its one thing I don't quite understand about the thinking of some of my dear sisters in islaam, maybe because I am not the subsequent wife, but i hear this sentiment many times and that is that 'its sunnah when they want to marry other peoples husbands but when he wants to marry another one on her, its haraam'? It's okay to tell the 1st wife just get over it and accept it, while another comes into the relationship, however, if a brother has already made it clear that this is the 2nd time and he wants 4, how can one feel that the have completed everything like to save the best for last? If we look at our Prophet salla Allahu alahi wa salaam we can see all difft situations. Aisha radi Allahu anha was the most favored of many wives AFTER her and was at the same time was the MOST jealous of the Khadija radiAllahu anha. All women are going to feel jealous. I personally had to speak to subsequent wives to find out if they actually felt jealous lol, because I couldnt understand how when at the time, my thinking was like'well you picked it for yourself, or you knew what you were going into'. Now being in it dealing with the ups and downs, its a reality-ALL women feel jealous, but its just how we react to it that can benefit or harm us. Maybe some sistas get jealous and fight husband or other wife, or maybe another sister gets jealous and goes makes wudhu and pray to her Lord (Who really is the ONly ONe who can change the Hearts). Sorry for being longwinded. Please forgive me for anything offensive I might have written.
    OH I had a question for the sister who was in the interview- Why did you feel such an intense need to be accepted and welcomed by the first wife??? Why did it hurt you when she spoke to you briefly?
    Ok one last one- smile- how should a wife feel when the subsequent wife comes into the relationship not wanting anything at all to do with the first wife or the kids? DO you think this is disrespectful or to put up a wall? What about if both wives want nothing at all to do with each other- what do you think about that?

  14. Since Allah (S.W.T) has permitted men to marry more than once(subject to conditions) ..There must definetly be some Hikmah in it..which we may not understand wen v face such a situation..but inshaAllah,in long run they must be some hidden good in it..May Allah bless us with a halal lifestyle!

  15. Did she think on his first wife before marry him or just on her own situation and his husband? She doesn't want him to marry again. Second wives always think they can be better than the firsts. Are you sure your husband is really fair with both? Or do you need remind him to be? Think well, as you said, this life don't belong us. Now you are very happy but later some years when this "passion" finish and he face you with a new wife? Will you be able to stand it so politly like his first wife is with you? Sometimes we need to be shaked to woke up. My advice is…think!

  16. This was a really interesting article and for what it's worth I hope that everyone is happy. My husband's father had 2 wives and really the situation caused serious problems for my husband. He (my husband) would never consider a plural marriage because he remembers how hard it was for him and his sisters. He never knew the other family and it was only at his father's funeral that he met any of them. He vividly recalls knowing that there was a 2nd family, but not who they were and when his dad didn't come home some nights he knew that he was with the other family and not his own. From whatever perspective you take, and no matter how you try to explain that to a child I think it's very traumatizing.

  17. Alhamdulillaah my husband did pray his istikharah before marrying the sister, and he even gave her another chance after these issues came to light; because she put on a front, Allaahu musta'an. This is my first experience where my husband has actually married the sister; but before that he got close to marrying many other sisters, at last count around 15; but with them their issues were obvious so he called it off before the nikah took placce (or they called it off and then when we saw how quickly they married and divorced other brothers, Alhamdulillaah that they did!). So I think its time to say, no more, subhanAllaah. It isn't fair on my husband, me or our extended family; as it doesn't matter how seperate you try to keep things (not that was what we ever wanted or envisaged anyway)the fitnah will always affect others around you. My husband married again with the intention of helping and supporting a sister in need and also to have more children, I have some medical issues which mean its very unlikely I can have the large family he always dreamed of; but for all this trouble he is just grateful for what we have now. Alhamdulillah.

  18. Yesterday our sister asked me to post these comments:

    ————————————-

    As-Salam Alaikum,

    Another beautiful polygamy experience sister Sonia. I am glad to hear that there still remain some good out of this delicate subject. Smile.

    Beautifully said Gonxhe. I am stunned to hear from so many sisters with strong faith. MashAllah.

    Subhannallah! I am sorry to hear this sisters Umm S and Ladyinblack. Unfortunately, yes, there are a lot of problems in the West with polygamy. That is why I am so grateful its going soooooooooo smoothly. I have gotten even closer to my co-wife. Alhamdullillah. Just do your parts as I always say and you will get rewarded insahAllah. I just couldn't stand thinking about not being a great big family with my co-wife. It just wouldn't work. I am too sensitive. That is why we must always make Istikarah before entering a situation. I did that and relied on Allah and He never lets me down even after He gives me a test. I pray that your husbands find the right sisters next time inshAllah or just stay in monogamy. Whatever is good for all of you in the dunyah and most of all, the Akhirah. AMEEN.

  19. I was curious to the sister if it is not a personal question.Was her marriage done legally in the states since his first wife is in another country?I live in a muslim country where this would not be an issue although where we live he would need my permission to remarry.Of course this is not Islamic and we all know the shariah does not require the first wife's permission.

  20. I am sure she will want to be part of your life and of her the child of her and your husband=I am sure she will want to be part of her husband's child's life.Sorry my keyboard is on the fritz.

  21. Thank you to both sisters for your kind words and duaas.I once again wait to POAS(Pee on a stick)lol.It is good to be reminded that it is Allah who decides when and if a baby will come.I am so very happy your co-wife called you.I am sure she will want to be part of your life and of her the child of her and your husband.I pray that it will continue in that way and she can live with you both very soon.I spoke to my husband about this article and he again assured me the thought is not in him mind right now.But the condition remains that she would have to be able to dwell with me in love and harmony.He then looked into my eyes and swore to Allah he would NEVER break my heart.What more could I ask for?Alhamdulillah for everything.

  22. Umm S

    I was in the very same situation as you described twice! It's very sad but what you said is the truth and has change my "happy go luck" attitude about polygyny.

    My husband will of course marry again in sha Allah but he has given up on women in the west (wa Allahu Alim) Most women in "our" area seeking polygyny seem to have these same views/characteristics. I give him constant naseehah, in sha Allah it will soften his heart but I can honestly say I have anxiety about the whole thing!

  23. I am also in polygyny, although sadly in my situation I am the first wife and the wife coming into our marriage has been dishonest and has caused problems from the beginning so my husband is making his plans to end things with her. I used to have very idealistic views about polygyny, and I still do but I think unfortunately in the west (and by this I am thinking of Europe and the US) that generally the type of sisters looking for polygyny are doing so for all the wrong reasons, I am not saying the sister in the article but from what I have seen it is the majority. In the best case scenario they are the type of woman who likes her own time and space but does not want their husband's other wife and family to be a part of their lives in any way, in the worst case scenario you get very destructive women who are looking for polygyny because they have ended up getting divorced very quickly in monogamy due to their behaviour; and they think in polygyny their serious character flaws, or in some cases serious mental health issues like personality disorders will go unnoticed or the brother simply won't care. Initially I wanted myself and my co-wife to be one big happy family; but not only do I have to avoid her for my own safety but she has invaded my personal space on a number of occasions and tried to cause fitnah between my husband and I, AND also his extended family although the majority of them see through her plots as they have known me for too many years. After this situation is over my husband and I are very sad to say that we will be unlikely to consider polygyny again. It seems that the decent brothers only get screwed over, I have given up on trying to 'get' why the very few seemingly decent sisters I have seen looking for polygyny with no ulterior motives always seem to go for the bad guys, and the decent brothers seeking polygyny always end up struggling to get sisters to give them a second look and then end up marrying someone who is not complimentary to their family.

  24. As SalamAleykum

    Great article mashaAllah!!! I belive if we do pray for what is best for us Allah will make it , so, our aim is to live in this world according to Quran and Sunnah of Prophet pbuh and what he taught us cant be wrong,regarding polygny ther is nothing wrong with it. As long as the husband acts according to the rules mashaAllah he and his family will be rewarded. I wish for this sister a lot of children and a lot of joy and happiness and as far as the first wife dont worry our nature is to be a bit jelaouse and a bit tense. I wish for all our sisters single ones first,second,third or fourth ones to be strong in our faith to fulfill their obligations and to belive in Jannah inshaAllah that is for what we fight for, and dont forget duas and dhikr on our daily fighting with sheytan (May Allah curse him)

  25. Here are the responses from our sister the second wife:
    ————————————-
    I want to thank everyone for the comments. I really enjoyed this interview. Sister Ummhend actually forgot to send me the link to the interview which is the reason for the delay to respond to you my sisters. I will inshaAllah to any question you may have.

    Dear sister Azmuslima,

    I am very sorry you feel so bad but Alhamdullillah we don’t. My only advice is to be careful of slanderous statements as you will be held accountable for them. First, I want to let you know that my husband was never never married in the past before he married his first wife and he is old enough. Its obvious that if he wanted to fulfil his sexual desires so badly, he would have married long ago, or not years later or 6 whole years after he married his first whom is in a different country . He grew up in the community since he was 2 and offers from sisters and walis were never an issue for him. And I tell you, I have never been so happy, so I dont understand how you concluded that I have issues being a second wife. I was married before and never experienced happiness as an only wife. Its hard even nowadays to tell a Muslim Family about a polyganous marriage let alone a Christian one. And thank you for your wonderful duah my sister and may Allah bless you and strengthen your Iman as well. Ameen.

    Dear sister Amira,

    I could not help myself to smile. But I dont think it would be an embarrassment or because you are not enough for him. Remember the Prophet (saw) did it and if he did, it wasnt to embarrass any of his wives or because they werent enough. He had a reason for each. The only reason I would think a husband would do this to embarrass his wife is if he did it for only beauty, not fisabillillah but you dont have to worry about that, you are very beautiful, mashAllah . I know a brother who married a second wife because she had no family here, was thrown out of her home and nowhere to turn to, no help from the government because she wasnt legal and his first wife was enough for him. He did a beautiful thing mashAllah and may Allah bless his first wife for understanding. But I understand that you would be jealous and that it is a hard thing to share someone you love and note that before I used to feel the same way but Allah sent it my way. InshaAllah, I pray that your husband never consider that as I dont you to be in a situation where you have to beat up a Muslim sister. lol.

    Sister Sarah,

    We have something in common, I love hearing about polyganous marriage as well. About marriage period. I am very happy you worked things out with you ex-husband. I just loved this statement you made my sister: Allah subhanahuwata’la is truly the Best of Planners and only He knows what is best for us. If we keep this in mind then insh’Allah we can handle whatever situation we are in with the grace and patience that is expected of us as muslimahs.

    These are very powerful words and if we ponder upon them, Subhannallah, we would have a peaceful and happy life inshAllah. Thank you sis for such powerful words.

    Sister Pam Mace,

    Thank you for your kind words. Lol, yes, jealousy is an evil emotion and you said the right words, a caring husband that helps get through it. For both me and her. I might be a little bit strong, but I would not be able to do with without Allah (swt) and my husband. A lot of you sisters are really wise and understand this situation. Smile. And women emotions are not easy to deal with. When my husband and I discuss about a possibility of a 3rd wife, he says, listen, its hard enough for me to deal with the emotions of two women, trust me, you both are dealing with only jealousy, I am dealing with much more then that, I am not thinking about that. LOL. Its pretty funny, but true. If you care about your significant other’s feelings, its constant work mostly with a pregnant woman, it requires constant attention. May Allah grant him Jannatul Firdaus for the way he is. Ameen.

    Sister Amina,

    Thank you much sis. I still dont think not wanting him to take a 3rd wife is a good way to feel, but I still feel this way but I dont stress over it. And sis, wallahi, Allah is Karim, keep on reading, and you will find out what happened last friday right after Jummah and see that someone’s duah must have been answered. Allah promises us to answer our duah and He always keeps His promise.

    Sister Jessica,

    You are wonderful, MashAllah and I beg Allah with pure sincerety to bless you, forgive your sins and admit you to the highest Jannat. Ameen. Its very unique of you to defend your Muslim sisters and brothers and I admire you for that. What the sister said was really not in its place as only Allah knows the heart. I asked Allah to protect all of us from slandering and backbiting. Ameen. Love you fisabillillah.

    Sister Durriyyah,

    Thank you for a beautiful duah and may it be accepted inshaAllah. And I believe that there is a test in your life that you had manage or will manage in a strong way as well even if its not polygyny. May Allah reward you in the Akhirah as well sister and please continue keeping us in your duah.

    Sister Rooh,

    Yes, and I cant believe I am in it. Smile. 5 years ago, I would have laughed at someone to even think I would be. Allah made it easy for me sis and I am grateful.

    Sister P.,

    I’m not judging this sister, but her words lead me to believe that she was among many women “chasing” this man and tempting him to take another wife. You can’t admire/crush on a man and think he won’t see that. I appreciate her willingness to talk. Q: She said that he pays her rent, does he not live with her when in the states

    You are actually judging me and even slandering me. Again, I will go back to advising myself and yourself to be very careful with words. Allah put love in the heart. If Allah allowed my heart to feel a certain way towards him, who is anyone to feel otherwise? I wonder if your heart never admire or have a crush on a man? How did you conclude that I was chasing him? please explain. I clearly stated that I never showed him any interest. Any whatsoever even with all the things he did with my kids. How he took time to play with them for extended period of time, how he took care of them, My wali did not even know I liked him. Is it ok for you to state that I was chasing him? Khadijah (ra) was chased by many men and her heart wanted the Prophet (saw) and she asked him herself to marry her. She was the BEST of woman. I did not say it, Allah says she was. So, I conclude even if I were showing him interest by even asking my wali to ask him, it would not have been unislamic unless we want to create our own law. And secondly, again, provide proof that I tempted him. Tempting is a big word. Subhanallah. A sinful word in my opinion. What is the proof? having a crush on someone doesn’t mean you dont lower you gaze and keep proper adab? Alhamdullillah my Iman helped me not flirt with the brother, not look in his face. Inevitable circumstances allowed me to be around him at times professionally, times when he needed my help in things connecting to his work that I dont have to explain to keep private. Allah knows and you dont know. My husband does not like women tempting him. Again, Allah knows and you dont know. May Allah help us not oppress our Muslim brothers and sisters with words. Ameen. And yes, Alhamdullillah he lives with me when he is in the states.

    Sister Inshallahbabe,

    Oh sis. I am so sorry you are so fearful. I wanted to give some words of advice. That is really nice of you to want your husband happy. You know, remember that only Allah can give you a child. If He doesn’t then please dont worry my sister. Try to be patient with the Qadr of Allah. Obviously, your husband loves you much and is reassuring you. There is a lot of misconception my sister, if that ever happens, which doesnt happen in every situation, dont assume that he doesnt love you and you can always tell him how you feel rigth now. Its normal to feel this way at times and remember, Duahs are powerful. Ask Allah to ease your heart, ask Him to not test you with it if its not good for you for the Hereafter and if its good for you, ask him to give you a beautiful caring sister as a co-wife. And always remember sis, every woman in polyganous relationship needs reassurance. Not only the first wife. And since your husband love you, he would never allow you anyone to hurt you I am sure. One thing my husband told me when we were intented is that he will not allow my co-wife or myself to be disrespectful to each other. Believe it or not, sis, last friday, after Jummah, my co-wife called me. It was almost unreal. She said that she is sorry about not wanting to talk to me but that I should understand because I am a woman. She thanked me for the gifts I sent to her, she said she now accept the Qadr of Allah and that she wants to keep in touch with me and want good relationship with me and ask me to give salam to my husband. This was truly from Allah. I did not expect that. All you have to do sis is ask Allah to either not test you with it or help you cope with it. At the end of the day, apart from jealousy and insecurity that wives may have, its not as bad as others make it sound. If the husband does the right thing, you can actually love polygyny. I dont know if I made you feel better. I really hope I did. I am very sensitive on this subject that is why I thank Allah so much for appeasing my co-wife’s heart and for allowing her to want a relationship with me now. And ALWAYS remember, nothing happens without the permission of Allah. Everything is already writen in the Book. Please dont worry my sister. The Prophet (SAW) had many wives and they were very happy with him.

    Sisterinhijab,

    First, I am so happy you are in hijab, smile, its faith and love of Allah that allowed you to wear it. Second, I am not sure what you meant by five years later…… I am assuming though that you are in polygyny. Please do your part and be kind if you are. And refer back to what sister Sarah said. Allah subhanahuwata’la is truly the Best of Planners and only He knows what is best for us. If we keep this in mind then insh’Allah we can handle whatever situation we are in with the grace and patience that is expected of us as muslimahs.

    Sister Om Fatimah,

    Sis, it may be that your duah may have been answered. Subhanallah. Or my many many duahs. Lol. Last friday sis, after Jummah prayer, I recieved a phone call. Unexpected phone call. Not even my best friend guessed who called when I was asking her to guess. Yes, it was my co-wife. She thanked me for the gifts, told me she is sorry for not wanting to talk to me before and that now she is accepting Allah’s Qadr and wants a good relationship with me. We stayed on the phone for about 10 minutes. I did not even answer my husband’s text on the other line, lol. I was so happy. She wants to keep in touch and I promised her I will. My husband could not stop smiling when I told him even though he gave her the number. Like you said only Allah Knows what is best for us. If its not best for you, He will not test you with it. I love you fisabillillah sister for the duah. And May Allah continue increasing your Iman. Ameen

    And finally, sister UmmHend,

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS INTERVIEW. I KNOW IT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO HELP THE ONES IN POLYGYNY. THANKS AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ME AND FOR SAYING WHAT IS RIGHT. I CHATTED WITH YOU ONLY A FEW TIMES, BUT I CAN SEE HOW MUCH OF A BEAUTIFUL SISTER YOU ARE, MASHALLAH. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO CHATTING SOME MORE WITH YOU AND MAYBE, YOU NEVER KNOW, I WILL KEEP IN CONTACT WITH MY CO-WIFE AND IF WE GET CLOSE ENOUGH IN THE FUTURE, IF ALLAH (SWT) ALLOWS US TO GROW IN LOVE FOR EACH OTHER, WE CAN CALL HER AND HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH HER AS WELL. LOVE YOU MUCH FISABILLILLAH FOR THE GOOD WORK YOU ARE STRIVING TO DO FOR ISLAM.

  26. MashAllah I loved hearing this experience of the sister! May Allah bless your marriage, give you healthy and pious children, and ease the pain of the first wife.

    Its no secret that I'm pro-polygyny (lol! pick your side issue with people these days, subhanAllah) I completely agree that as long as there are valid reasons for seeking second marriage (and not just lust) then it should not be over-ruled.

    I would LOVE to hear from the women who are or who might be becoming the first wife. Please share your experience sisters!!!!

    My MIL is the first wife, and my FIL spends equal time with her and second wife. He married his second wife after all his 4 sons got married and MIL was in hospital waiting for kidney transplant. Years later when my youngest BIL passed away, my husband met his father's second wife after everyone came back from janaaza/burial. From what I was told she was mashAllah very polite and very kind, and things between everyone was civil.

  27. Asalamualekom sisters.

    I just wanted to thank you all for taking to the time to respond and give your thoughts and support. I wanted to address the criticism and have offered our sister to do the same anonymously through my username. This comment though, is from myself.

    Sister azmuslima: I respectfully disagree with your observations. What I read was a brother who was already open to a second wife (Allahu A'alam but it seems one of his reason was family (children), the sister mentioned that he is known in the community to love children) and yes was attracted to our sister (as one would hope a man would be to someone he marries) and also loved her 2 children. I can't be the judge of his intentions really, but to me it looks like 1) He was open to a second marriage. 2) Wanted a family. 3) Was attracted to our sister. 4) Loved her children and felt he could provide them a father figure. While we can sit here and talk about what he should have done as far as point #3, I think we could instead look at the good and make excuses for him. He is our brother after all and not oppressing anyone.

    The sister made it pretty clear that her family is not muslim and would have reacted with hostility towards her marriage if she had told them she was a second wife. Just as many of us have kept it from our family after reverting to Islam for fear of the hostility we may face. To me it seemed her issue was more how her family would react and not her own insecurity about being a second wife.

    Amira, I just wanted to comment on "enough" I don't think it's so much that the first wife is not enough for a man and so he remarries, I think it is near to that, but enough is not the right description for it. Although it is different for everyone and as we all know it is often not done for the right reasons.

    Jessica Dawah, you said "We have to be careful of ascribing certain reasons for action to someone else. We do not know the intentions behind one’s heart." and I couldn't have said it better. The tendency for sisters to put their own emotions and observations on other peoples marriages (however unconventional it may be to us) is a big reason why I wanted to do this interview in the first place.

    Sister P, Allahu a'alam. It does sound like there were several sisters who were admiring this brother for whatever reason. It sounded like this sister was careful though and her intentions seem sincere to me. I don't think we can 'blame' a sister who is attracted to a brother (especially if she sees him be so loving to her children) for him choosing to marry a second wife. There is much more to it than that. Perhaps this speaks to the wisdom behind separating men and women and lowering the gaze though.

    That's a good question about the rent, inshaAllah the sister will be able to answer.

    Inshallahababe, Wow, Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt comment. MashaAllah you sound like a sister with a huge heart, if the situation ever comes to you, you seem like you will make a wonderful and gracious co-wife, I pray Allah blesses you with a co-wife who is the same way. And may Allah bless you and your husband with a child in His time amin.

  28. Asalaamu alaykum,

    I am so happy u did this interview. It was a very interesting read and mashaAllah it was nice to read such honest answers. As for the first wife I pray that Allah makes this situation easier for her ameen Just give her time and inshaAllah if it is Allah's Will she will come around. As for myself I have no idea how I would handle my husband marrying another wife but if this ever does happen (even though he has never mentioned it or showed any interest in doing so) I pray that Allah gives me the strength and paitence to deal with it.

    Only Allah Knows what is best for us. Remember that Allah is always testing us (Some with more difficult tests than others but never more than we can handle.

    Ma asalaama

  29. Assalaam alaikum,

    Ma Sha Allah, nice to hear the Sister speaking frankly about her polygyny situation. For those who can cope with it, its a good thing but most will not be able to, even if they think they will at the beginning.

    Five years later……….?

  30. I read this article with a nervousness in my stomach.I am in the situation of her co-wife.11 years older than my husband who dearly wants children and I am having difficulty/It scares me to no end to think of a second wife.The only thing that mitigates that fear is my total and complete desire to see him happy.Allah knows I wish I could be the one to bear him children.It is a wish that sits with me everyday and crushes my every month.He says he isnt ready to think about another wife.We have though discussed it.The one think I made him promise is we would live together if it happened and I would be able to have a share in loving the children.To be an auntie or whatever to his children to hold them in my arms and see them grow.That would soften somewhat the pain of sharing him the blows to my self-esteem and the fear that he would not love me anymore.Thanks for the interview sister and if it should happen that my husband needs to marry again for the sake of Allah I hope my co-wife will be as kind as her!

  31. I'm not judging this sister, but her words lead me to believe that she was among many women "chasing" this man and tempting him to take another wife. You can't admire/crush on a man and think he won't see that. I appreciate her willingness to talk. Q: She said that he pays her rent, does he not live with her when in the states?

  32. It was heartening to note polgyny is still happening in a time and place where almost all talk about it is negative. So much for holding on to the sunnah, Alhamdulillah

  33. MashaAllah, I truly look up to women in plural marriages as I believe they are stronger than I am (at least at this point). Maybe this is a misconception on my part, but I just think that all spouses involved would be at such a high level of iman in order to complete their responsibilities peacefully, I envy them (in a good way)!

    May Allah guide their family throughout this dunya and may they receive great reward in the Akhirah. Ameen.

  34. This is a great article. We hardly ever hear from the 2nd Wife perspective and it's nice to see a willing participate not afraid to be interviewed.

    We have to be careful of ascribing certain reasons for action to someone else. We do not know the intentions behind one's heart.

    By saying he married this particular Sister just to make his desires halal, I pray it is not ascribing a lie, and slandering an innocent person.

    Allah knows best.

  35. Asalamu aliakum wa rahmat Allah wa baraktoo,

    I just want to say that I found this interview to be very "sincere" and "truthful". I felt the woman was very upfront, saying that she would not be comfy with a 3rd wife, that the first wife didn't want a relationship with her, etc.

    Also, I really liked Pam (I know, your mom, UmmHend, don't know if I should say aunty?)'s comment about many parents available and different viewpoints :)

    May Allah bless those three and their marriages.

    Baraka Allah feeki <3

  36. wow! thanks Emma and the 2nd wife you interviewed, fascinating.

    I can see she is a very caring woman and also very real about how it is for her. Jealousy, an evil emotion, is something hard to fight and she must be a strong woman with a very caring husband to be able to get through those negative feelings.

    I wish them (all 3) the very best for a contented life.

    Although this is something i could never cope with, i think it must be a great way for children to grow up, always a parent available for them, different viewpoints to learn from, lots and lots of love…..as long as the parents are all willing to put jealousy and other negative feelings aside for the good of their children.

    Also, a bonus for the mothers. Imagine how good it would be when the children are driving you crazy, if there was another mother to give you a break.

    I have always believed that children should grow up in an extended family, as i did. Unfortunately in today's busy world, it is not often possible, but this is one way it could be done.

    Again, thank you for sharing such a personal experience to help us all understand each other a little better.

  37. Salaam uAlaikum,

    Great interview mash'Allah! I love to hear about women's experiences when they are in polyganous relationships, and it sounds as if this sister (and her husband) are handling their situation very well mash'Allah! When I was thinking of remarrying I strongly considered entering into a polyganous relationship as well, and only decided against it because I worked things out with my ex husband alhamdulillah.

    Allah subhanahuwata'la is truly the Best of Planners and only He knows what is best for us. If we keep this in mind then insh'Allah we can handle whatever situation we are in with the grace and patience that is expected of us as muslimahs.

    Allah Ma'aku.

  38. Salaam'alaikum,

    Nice article. I give her props for it but as the way Allah made me alhamdulillaah, I would rather divorce my husband than to be embarrassed. Nothing really can soften my heart for my husband wanting another wife. I respect any women who go into the co-wife situation but me, I would lose it. Fighting would be something daily for me and I am a hitter so I'm saving my husband and the girl a trip to the ER so him getting married to another isn't something he will do. Alhamdulillaah my husband said I'm enough for him.

  39. Asalamo alaykum…I feel badly as I was hoping to read this story and be impressed that it was somehow "different" and that this type of arrangement is for the best but i'm afraid after reading the story it is apparent the brother married the sister b/c his first wife is not yet in the USA and this is a way for him to make fulfilling his sexual desires halal…Obviously the sister has issues with being a 2nd wife or she would have been up front with her family from the start…sounds all wrong to me…I wish the best for my muslim brothers and sisters so i do hope that Allah SWT blesses their marriage and causes it to strengthen their iman. Ameen

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